Only a couple of years ago, Universal was thrilled to receive all its Hasbro toys and board games, promising to play with them every single day. But now look at them: They only ever took Battleship out of the box—and then just as something for its Transformers to stomp all over—while Clue, Monopoly, Ouija, and Magic: The Gathering have been left discarded and strewn about with various pieces missing and their corners chewed by the studio dogs. And since Universal clearly doesn’t use them anymore, Hasbro will just give them to studios who will. So they’ve picked up the abused, slobbered-on Stretch Armstrong from behind the couch, rinsed it off, and taken it over to Relativity Media’s house, where they’ve promised to love it and cherish it and make it into a live-action movie by April 2014, and never stick it in the freezer just to see what happens. Anyway, that release date should give them plenty of time to find a replacement for previously attached star Taylor Lautner, who has been quietly dropped from the project, as well as all future reviews that were planning on using some variation on the phrase, “Taylor Lautner makes even rubber look wooden.”
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