Despite being told for the hundredth time that there’s just no future in film-to-television adaptations, Nickelodeon has disobeyed its overbearing square of a father (who’s in finance and the only thing he’s ever loved is money) and ordered 13 episodes of School Of Rock, a musical-comedy based on the 2003 Richard Linklater film starring Jack Black. “But it worked for FX and Fargo!” Nick could be heard saying as it stormed upstairs to its room, leaving its stuffed-shirt father in the living room, fuming over his scotch and his Wall Street Journal and his piles of money—a quantity no true artist cares about. “And if FX jumped off a bridge, I suppose you would, too!” Father Who’s In Finance replied, his shouts going unheard over the main riff from “Highway To Hell,” being played too damn loud on that damn infernal guitar that distracted Nickelodeon from more important things like math homework and National Honors Society applications and learning to be responsible for its own goddamn irresponsible decisions.
“Now calm down, honey,” said Nickelodeon’s mother, the more levelheaded of the first kids’ network’s parents and the one more in tune with her offspring’s artistic aspirations. (She still remembered spending her summers at the beach house with John Norris and Kennedy, but that was many years ago now. With each passing year, it seemed more and more like the “M” in “MTV” stood for “Mom,” not “Music.”) “I remember a certain media conglomerate that couldn’t wait to take Beavis and Butt-head to the movies. What’s the big difference here? And besides, School Of Rock worked out pretty well for that Miranda Cosgrove girl Nick used to be so fond of.”
“Fine, fine,” said Nickelodeon’s father, adjusting his tie and noting to himself that the kid was really nailing the “Highway To Hell” solo. It wouldn’t be too long now until Dad was watching the made-for-TV trials of ersatz substitute teacher Dewey Finn, tearing up as Dewey taught his charges all about the raw power of rockin’, rollin’, and defying The Man. “That’s my vertically integrated outlet for advertising-funded original programming,” he’d say into his crystal rocks glass. “That’s my vertically integrated outlet for advertising-funded original programming.”
He might even pick up the phone and call his other child, the ungrateful little bastard who ran off to New York to put School Of Rock on Broadway with Andrew Lloyd Webber. Maybe not today, but definitely tomorrow. One step at a time, Father Who’s In Finance.