In the conclusion of the most important news story ever, the adult cast members of Modern Family, the mega-popular ABC family comedy, have agreed to new contracts in principle with 20th Century Fox Television, the studio that produces the show. The Hollywood Reporter has the full details, but it sounds as if all six adults in the cast will receive slightly more than the $150,000 offered earlier in the week by Fox. This includes Ed O'Neill, who was previously making more than the other five adult cast members, but will now make the same amount. However, he will receive a slightly larger percentage of the show's back-end profits than he was before, while the other five will begin receiving the back-end money for the first time. (Their cuts will still be lower than O'Neill's cut, however.) Considering that back-end money, which accounts for a small percentage of the overall monetary gross the show makes in perpetuity, is often so significant on popular comedies that it can essentially set participants for life (when is the last time you saw a broke Friends cast member?), this will likely turn out to be a very profitable deal for the cast members. And with that, the show can go back into production, the lawsuit the actors brought against the studio will be dropped, ABC head Paul Lee can feel justified in the overwhelming love he feels for everything and everybody, and you can successfully go back to grousing about how the show just is not as good as it was back in season one. Just like you were before you became aware of this story earlier this week.
Let us watch the entrance of Coy and Vance Duke (replacements of Bo and Luke Duke) one more time for posterity.
There. Now we never have to think about any of this ever again.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org