Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Thursday, October 17. All times are Eastern.
Reign (The CW, 9 p.m.): A new series about the sexy, dramatic life of Mary, Queen Of Scots, starting with when she arrives at the French court and meets her betrothed—and his sexy half brother. Set in 1557, the show has the production values of a period piece and the plot intensity of a teenage soap opera, complete with non-diagetic indie rock music and a spooky Nostradamus handing out prophecies left and right. Last week, Todd VanDerWerff reviewed the pilot and sort of loved it. Now Caroline Framke is dusting off her tiara to do weekly recaps. Reign is a big, beautiful mess. So come watch it with us.
Once Upon A Time In Wonderland (ABC, 8 p.m.): The spinoff continues with an establishing episode that tells us how Cyrus and Alice fell in love with each other. We hope that the episode's title, "Trust Me," gets baked into the top of a cake or etched on a candy heart at some point, because that's the only part of Alice In Wonderland that didn't totally freak us out. Zack Handlen thinks we're too easily frightened, which is definitely true.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8 p.m.): Amy gets a job at Sheldon's university, which makes life for the alpha-geek stressful. What if the girlfriend finds out too much about his weird work habits, like eating at his desk while refreshing cat videos and crying uncontrollably? Oliver Sava doesn't understand what's "weird" about that.
Parks And Recreation (NBC, 8 p.m.): Tom Haverford is trying to court a love interest, which is nice because poor Tom hasn't had a lady stick around since Wendy, forever ago. We hope that crazy kid can find someone to love him, and his failed entertainment company! Alasdair Wilkins has 720 Entertainments for you, if that's something you're into.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8 p.m.): Elena and Katherine, they interact with Stefan and Damon. Again! This episode pivots on the fascinating insight of a mysterious woman. Last we checked, this woman is not Carrie Raisler, but we cannot be 100 percent sure.
The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC, 9 p.m.): Mike and the gang learn that the world is run on the backs of hordes of unpaid interns, all of whom keep warm through the long winter by burning copies of their own resumes that they sneakily printed at yet another awful internship. Oh, which reminds us that we are looking for an intern! For Robert David Sullivan's job. Mush, interns, mush!
White Collar (USA, 9 p.m.): Matt Bomer wears a suit for a fifth season of fun and games! Neal and Peter need to work on clearing up the circumstances around a senator's death, because otherwise, one of them will be held responsible. Kenny Herzog is going to hold one of them responsible either way.
Elementary (CBS, 10 p.m.): This quirky procedural has been getting better and better, with a fresh update on the Sherlock Holmes that manages to be interesting and fun, even into its second season. This week, "Poison Pen" introduces a woman from Holmes' past. But not Irene Adler. As far as we know. Myles McNutt isn't the mystery woman either. As far as he knows.
Scandal (ABC, 10 p.m.): Olivia's firm handles a case from a mom in the Midwest as the show tries to come to terms with the fact that it's sort of a procedural, and not just a splashy political soap opera. Fitz and Mellie share their feelings as well in this episode, suggesting that they did not get the memo about procedurals. Sonia Saraiya wrote that memo, and she is going to fire them ASAP.
Parenthood (NBC, 10 p.m.): Tonight's episode is called "In Dreams Begin Responsibilities," which is bringing up a lot of My So-Called Life feelings for us. Kristina Braverman is not really much like Angela Chase, but she still makes us cry a lot. Todd VanDerWerff is waiting for Jordan Catalano before he makes any more spurious comparisons.
Childrens Hospital (Adult Swim, 12 a.m.): This season's penultimate episode is, enigmatically, a personal documentary about the friendship between David Wain and Just Falcon. A friendship-slash-rivalry, which is better than friendship, as far as we can tell. David Sims knows what we're talking about. (He doesn't really.)
TV CLUB CLASSIC
Gilmore Girls (1 p.m.): Rory got into Harvard, Yale, and Princeton, which is just absurd. And the Poe society comes to town and has to take shelter in the inn. Doubly absurd! David Sims would have had enough with this show if he weren't so charmed by all their quothing.
WHAT ELSE IS ON?
The This Old House Hour (PBS, 8 p.m.): Special Jersey Shore edition! The team surveys the damage of Hurricane Sandy and shows us the many different methods for restoring the damaged waterfront property. Also, rechargeable batteries: explained! We have always wondered, secretly.
Alaska Gold Diggers (Animal Planet, 8 p.m.): According to TV Guide, the diggers face some interpersonal drama and clash with their miners, but they learn that "success depends on confronting their problems and building better relationships." We will never not watch this show.
Wolfblood (Disney, 8 p.m.): This British import about teen werewolves is totally still happening. Genevieve Valentine liked the pilot okay. We really like the title. Tonight Rhydian gets thrown into jail as he's about to transform, and Maddy has to free him before he wolfs out and kills everyone.
The Millers (CBS, 8:30 p.m.): Nathan and Debbie grow tired of the parents that are currently living with them, so naturally, they decide to swap them out. We were hoping someone would remake The Parent Trap in a fun, creepy new way!
Project Runway (Lifetime, 9 p.m.): Part two of the season finale. Kerry Washington guest-judges the finalists, and we aren't choosing sides, but ahem Dom Dom Dom Dom.
Austin Powers In Goldmember (Oxygen, 8 p.m.): Inexplicably, this movie is playing on Oxygen, a television network aimed at women! Presumably because the penises, they are all golden. Come for the Mike Myers, stay for the Beyoncé.
Uptown Girls (Flix, 8 p.m.): Brittany Murphy nannies a young Dakota Fanning in one of her rare lead roles. Heather Locklear also stars, and apparently Dave Navarro makes a cameo appearance, because hey, it was 2003, and the rules were just different then.
MLB Playoffs, Game 5: Red Sox at Tigers: We don't have a dog in this fight, but we have never particularly wanted a pair of red socks, but man, do we want a pair of tigers. Like hardcore, like right now, we will name them Tigger and Tony and go on adventures and eat Frosted Flakes. When one of us ends up inevitably mauled to death, tell The Onion it was funny.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Arrow (Wednesday): Arrow has thrown itself into its second season with relish, turning Oliver into a wealthy philanthropist/superhero, depending on what time of day it is. Alasdair Wilkins ponders superhero dual identity and hopes that no one has figured out his secret superhero self—yet.