“Listen. Sit down, sweetheart. Your mother and I have something to say to you.
“We know that you’ve been concerned about Smash and how nobody’s been watching it. And your Tuesday nights at 10 p.m. might start to look a little strange in April, what with the fact that the escapades of all of your favorite Smash characters—like Tom! You love Tom! And Ellis! Who could forget Ellis? We didn’t know he was back now either (at least in shadowy form), but Noel Murray’s excellent review set us straight on that point!—will be gone. Yes, gone. Yes, we’re sorry. Yes, they’re being replaced by a dating show where three celebrities try to find the right girl, and it’s kind of like The Voice in that people in it appear to be sitting down a lot. Yes, Voice will be back. No, with Usher and Shakira. Yes, life isn’t fair.
“Oh, don’t cry! No, no, no, no! Don’t cry! Please! See, Smash isn’t dead! It’s just moving to Saturdays!
“Yes, you’re right to give me that skeptical look. But it’s true! See? Deadline reported on it here. Starting April 6, Smash is going to air on Saturdays. And it’s going to air all 17 of this season’s episodes! And even air a couple more on Tuesdays! Confusing! Just like when NBC moved its ill-conceived sequel series to John Grisham’s The Firm to that night, or when ABC burned off Pushing Daisies there!
“OK, OK, OK. ‘Burned off’ was a bad word to use. Your mother and I are sure that Smash will run many years on Saturdays! It’ll be so much happier there, playing with all the other low-rated shows. Romping and laughing in the meadow—yes, Saturday nights have a fresh, clean, sunshine-y meadow, and now Katherine McPhee will live there. Why, it’ll be almost like it’s the heavily hyped centerpiece of a desperately flailing network in need of creative turnaround all over again! Remember those days? Remember Theresa Rebeck? Remember the Bollywood number?
“Shh… shh… it’s OK! Everybody needs a big hug sometimes. The important thing is this: Smash will live on! On Saturdays! It might even be Saturday’s biggest hit, give or take a 48 Hours Mysteries episode, but we all know what a juggernaut that is, right? What’s that? Oh, a ‘juggernaut’ is something that’s unstoppable. Which absolutely describes 48 Hours Mysteries!
“So, hey, don’t worry when Smash is replaced by that reality show! The guy from Plain White Ts needs love, too! Smash is going to live for many years! On Saturdays! Now, if you were a fan of The New Normal, I’d start getting worried! Only giving that show one shot after The Voice? That’s as good as dead!
(After this conversation, your parents went into the basement to record several seasons worth of Smash fan fiction, all to provide the illusion that you were watching a new Smash every Saturday all through your childhood. When you found out what they’d done for you, you were angry at first, but later, fighting the cyborgs across the drought-riddled plains of Nebraska in what came to be known as The Last War, you would be grateful for what they had done, the lies they had told, the blood they had shed.)
Send your Newswire tips to email@example.com