Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, February 15. All times are Eastern.
Survivor (CBS, 8 p.m.): Seems like it was just yesterday that Carrie Raisler was bidding farewell to the most God-heavy season of Survivor in ages, yet here we are with another new season of the show, like clockwork, thanks to CBS’ stubborn refusal to remove its hit shows from the air once we’ve got the vapors. Anyway, the gimmick for this season is that women and men are split into two separate tribes, and presumably, this show will finally resolve the age-old debate of which gender does which things better. We’re guessing this will happen via a challenge in which the men want to watch football, but the women just want to go shopping.
American Idol (Fox, 8 p.m.): “The Hollywood round continues” is all we have to go on from the official plot summary. Didn’t the Hollywood round used to take, like, one episode? Maybe two episodes, at most. Now, it seems like it will stretch on into mid-April, with Claire Zulkey begging for mercy.
The Middle (ABC, 8 p.m.): Frankie tries to get Sue tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. Good luck with that, Frankie. Have you seen how much tickets go for? No way you can afford that. Will Harris looks forward to seeing how many times you have to say “Bieber” before 11-year-old girls descend on your website.
Suburgatory (ABC, 8:30 p.m.): Tessa’s lived in Chatswin for, what, six months now? And she’s already running for student body president and being asked to headline Evil Dead remakes. It’s here where Brandon Nowalk sniffles, wipes a tear from his eye, and says, “Our little girl’s growing up so fast.”
Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.): Phil and Claire go out for a celebration and divulge a bit too much in the way of personal information after Phil sells a house to Cam and Mitchell’s friends. Have you ever wondered just how Phil’s able to be so successful in this housing market? Meredith Blake isn’t telling.
Happy Endings (ABC, 9:30 p.m.): To the gay male readers of What’s On Tonight: We love every single one of you, but we also wish that your new boyfriend was James Wolk. Because who wouldn’t want James Wolk around? Just hangin’ out in comments. Talkin’ ‘bout Community. Bustin’ on David Sims.
Revenge (ABC, 10 p.m.): The long-awaited engagement party—so long awaited that some of its many twists were teased back in the pilot—arrives, and we’re going to guess that there will be secrets revealed, much bitchy dialogue, and double-crosses galore. Sounds like Thanksgiving with Carrie Raisler!
Top Chef (Bravo, 10 p.m.): How on Earth can this show still call itself Top Chef: Texas when the action has shifted to British Columbia for the finale? Emily Withrow—a copy editor to her very core—will probably spend most of her time weeping over how the title no longer makes any damn sense.
TV CLUB CLASSIC
Carnivàle (1 p.m.): It’s time for the carnival to travel on up the road a piece and end up in Babylon, which is where we always knew it would have to end up eventually. Todd VanDerWerff is usually made of pretty stern stuff, but we’ll confess that this one made him whimper and cower like a little girl.
Alias (3 p.m.): Look: We’re going to run a screencap of Jennifer Garner in lingerie with this article. We’re not proud of that, but we do want you to check this out because a.) Ryan McGee’s knocking these out of the park, and b.) everybody remembers how much fun that post-Super Bowl episode was. Right? Right?
WHAT ELSE IS ON
Extreme Pig Outs (Travel, 8 p.m.): We’re really disappointed to admit that we’ve seen this Travel Channel special about places you can go to eat gargantuan portions of things multiples upon multiples of times. Sadly, it doesn’t feature that night we were depressed and ate that whole thing of Funyuns.
Oprah’s Oscar Special (OWN, 9 p.m.): Oprah Winfrey’s latest ploy to save her cable channel involves sitting down with a bunch of Oscar nominees, including Best Actress contender Viola Davis, Best Supporting Actress frontrunner Octavia Spencer, and Jonah Hill, who’s just happy to be nominated.
The Slap (DirecTV Audience Network, 9 p.m.): DirecTV has imported a bunch of shows from Australia for some reason, beginning with this tale of the upper middle class, in which one person slaps another’s kid, and the whole situation spirals out of control. In Soviet Russia, Phil Dyess-Nugent slaps you.
Cave People Of The Himalaya (PBS, 10 p.m.): We love how PBS’ version of February sweeps programming involves sending camera crews to the Himalayas to check out the caves of people who lived there millennia ago. It won’t be high on everybody’s list, but we hope you never, ever change, PBS.
Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time (Starz, 7 p.m.): We’re going to recommend you watch some shitty, shitty movies tonight, starting with this video game adaptation that doesn’t make a lick of sense. Fortunately, everybody in it is an attractive human being, although we guess that’s not that unusual.
The Happening (Fox Movie Channel, 9 p.m.): Then there’s this M. Night Shyamalan thingy, in which Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel run from deadly breezes and the like. This film is lucky the Nicolas Cage Wicker Man remake existed last decade so it didn’t win every “Worst of the Decade” poll.
NHL Hockey: Bruins at Canadiens (NBC Sports, 7:30 p.m.): We know it’s because they’re “French” or whatever, but it’s always bothered us that the Montreal Canadiens insist on spelling it with the “e,” instead of an “a,” like the rest of us. They probably toss extra u’s into words like “favorite” and “cat” too.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Battleground (Tuesday): Brandon Nowalk checked out the first few episodes of Hulu’s first scripted series, and he reports back that the show’s not bad, even if it’s got some obvious areas where it needs to improve. Will it? Well, we’ve got several weeks to find out, now, don’t we?