Threatening the very future of ironic gifting, Warner Bros. has announced that it will shut down its Warner Premiere division, the label behind so many straight-to-DVD sequels created to capitalize on the studio's most famous properties and consumer ignorance. "Given the continuing decline in the direct-to-video film market and shifting business models in the production of digital series, the decision was made to close Warner Premiere," the company said in a statement, lamenting the dawn of a cold new age that simply has no room for the warm, personal exploitation of movies like Ace Ventura Jr.: Pet Detective, The Lost Boys: The Thirst, and The Dukes Of Hazzard: The Beginning.
Ameliorating the news somewhat by saying that the company's animated titles will continue under the Warner Home Video name, while Warner Digital would assume control of online series such as Bryan Singer's recently debuted H+, the studio also reassured fans that production and distribution would continue on remaining Warner Premiere titles like the upcoming A Christmas Story 2. "So tell your friends and relatives to make you a Christmas list, then just rip it to shreds right in front of their stupid, slackjawed faces," the studio added, implicitly. In response to the news, WalMart has reportedly already begun brainstorming ideas on how to address the looming void in its $5 DVD bin, including forcing Jillian Michaels to produce at least 10 more exercise videos a year, and filling any leftover space with loose Great Value Cheddar Cheese Puffs.
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