James Van Der Beek’s recent metamorphosis from earnest Dawson’s Creek star into self-aware meme is nearing its apex: Mr. From The Beek is reportedly set to play himself on ABC’s upcoming Don’t Trust The Bitch In Apt. 23, which is part of the network’s exciting bitches-and-dicks pilot season. As with previous Hollywood stars who have played heightened-reality versions of themselves—like Neil Patrick Harris in the Harold And Kumar series, Jennifer Grey on It’s Like You Know, Matt LeBlanc on Episodes, or Charlie Sheen on the street—Van Der Beek will poke fun at his own celebrity while starring as the best friend to Krysten Ritter’s “sexy, unstable New York City party girl who has the morals of a pirate.” Like, she’ll get wasted and liberate spices from the East India Trading Co., we guess. We have no idea what “morals of a pirate” means in this context.
We also still have no idea whether this girl is, in fact, the eponymous “bitch,” but seeing as she’s paired with the “earnest, honest, optimistic girl from the heartland” who’s forced to move in with her, probably. Anyway, the role that Van Der Beek will be playing was originally intended for Lance Bass and is now being completely rewritten, presumably by scrubbing all the gay innuendo and replacing it with gags where other people keep asking, “Hey, where’s Pacey?” Which is what we would do if we were drunk and trying to piss off James Van Der Beek—or maybe we'd just keep walking by going, "I don't want... your life!" in our own thick Texas accent. It's a good thing we're rarely drunk around James Van Der Beek.