Hours after Steven Tyler blasted away from American Idol on a guitar-shaped rocket, sending the stock value of the platitude industry plummeting, Jennifer Lopez has followed him off the show in a manner befitting her own pre-programmed behavior. "It's just really going to be hard for me to go," Lopez said "tearfully" on Ryan Seacrest's radio show, audibly choking up because it is all so very, very emotional, and she is so overcome by human feelings and love and specialness and so on. "It's just one of those special things in your life that, you know, you don't want to walk away from," Lopez said of the $12 million job where she listened to people sing for a few minutes and then told them they were beautiful.
Unfortunately, she said, it all came down to a "business decision" to focus on other aspects of her career, such as making more music and movies that now require slightly less desperate effort to promote, exploring lesbianism on ABC Family, and launching her make-your-own-designer-T-shirt website that combines the democracy of Threadless with the aristocracy of celebrity branding. A nation's eyes now turn to Randy Jackson, who is also rumored to have run out of ways to say that someone did their thing, and that previously reported list of potential replacements like Charlie Sheen and Jerry Lewis who may be asked to pretend as though American Idol is still ostensibly about musicians judging a neophyte's musical talents.