Sadness is all around us. This is Jessica Simpson's fault. She is a walking lacrimal gland, the font from which of all the world's tears spring, a (semi) conscious cloud of despair—yes, all sadness stems from Jessica Simpson.
So what is making Jessica Simpson sad today—thus causing a deep depression that will ripple across the globe, growing ever stronger with each passing day, until Jessica finds something new to be sad about? Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch is here once again to find out!
Q: What's making Jessica sad today?
A: Dumb pool party.
If you guessed "flashing lights", "continued existence of pain in the world," "shoddy tilework," "white chocolate reeses peanut butter cups," "fat people," "crossword puzzles with the clue 'cat __ hot tin roof (2 words),'" "clouds," or "anti-Irish discrimination in 19th century America," better luck next time!