Sadness is all around us. This is Jessica Simpson's fault. She is a walking lacrimal gland, the font from which of all the world's tears spring, a (semi) conscious cloud of despair—yes, all sadness stems from Jessica Simpson.
So what is making Jessica Simpson sad today—thus causing a deep depression that will ripple across the globe, growing ever stronger with each passing day, until Jessica finds something new to be sad about? Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch is here once again to find out!
Q: What's making Jessica sad today?
A: Ear candling.
If you guessed "that creepy dog puppet in the commercials for Cirque du Soliel's Wintuk," "off-brand ginger ale," "old people," "Charles Brown singing 'Please Come Home For Christmas,'" "mauve," "ziploc bags that won't stay closed," "Big Love, sometimes" "jello," or "The Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire of 1911," better luck next time!