Sadness is all around us. This is Jessica Simpson's fault. She is a walking lacrimal gland, the font from which of all the world's tears spring, a (semi) conscious cloud of despair—yes, all sadness stems from Jessica Simpson.
So what is making Jessica Simpson sad today—thus causing a deep depression that will ripple across the globe, growing ever stronger with each passing day, until Jessica finds something new to be sad about? Jessica Simpson Sadness Watch is here once again to find out!
Q: What's making Jessica sad today?
A: Being on Oprah.
(In case you're wondering, Jessica falls into the "telling-all" category of Oprah guests. The other Oprah guest categories are: hideous freaks, people who have given Oprah thousands of dollars worth of shoes, the irredeemable, and Doctors who play with Play-Doh.)
If you guessed old wooden marionettes with faded painted faces, carob, overuse of the phrase, "at the end of the day," flimsy plastic wrap, the plight of the West Memphis Three, winter gingham, the dwindling number of video stores and therefore the loss of all those campy VHS sleeves to the ages, or the post-Party-Of-Five career of Lacey Chabert—better luck next time!