Befitting the dignity and sincerity in which their relationship was forged, Journey guitarist Neil Schon and former Real Housewives Of DC star/tabloid celebrity golem Michaele Salahi have announced that their upcoming wedding will be made available on pay-per-view, to all who weren’t formally invited to do something, anything else. It is believed to be the first pay-per-view wedding in history, which until now had been getting along just fine without one of those.
As you may recall—due to a lack of notable events or interesting dogs you’ve spotted on the street since then—the world was briefly forced to pay attention to Salahi and her husband Tareq in 2010, after the two crashed a White House party, then spent the ensuing months similarly trespassing on the public consciousness. Their era-defining non-story soon culminated in a very public affair between Schon and Michaele that, to its credit, had the decency to produce a pretty hilarious $50 million lawsuit last year.
Appearing before the Virginia Supreme Court, Tareq—who felt he’d been very publicly humiliated, primarily because he himself had reported Michaele running off with Schon as a kidnapping, then shared every subsequent embarrassing detail with TMZ—hilariously argued that the Journey guitarist was fucking his wife specifically to drive up concert ticket sales. Ultimately, the court decided this was an unlikely scenario, concluding that the marketing appeal of a man who’d cuckolded a minor reality TV star is, at the very least, equivalent to that of watching Fake Steve Perry sing “Don’t Stop Believin’.”
So, with their love now unshackled from such distasteful spectacle, Neal Schon and Michaele Salahi are now free to stage their own distasteful spectacle, which you can bear witness to at the low cost of $14.95 per viewer. It’s an event they’ve dubbed “Neal And Michaele: The Winter Wonderland Wedding And Music Event”—based on the fact that it takes place on Dec. 15, and that it will be attended entirely by snowmen they’ve built in a meadow, as a pretend substitute for any actual human beings who would be interested in their wedding. These will be serenaded by the equally inert members of Journey.
A portion of all proceeds will go to typhoon relief in the Philippines, so that everyone who makes fun of this will feel a little bad about it.