Ever since Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never left its lingering, auric corona imprinted on the irises of all those who experienced it, studios have been tasked with creating another film that can fill the void, and reach the optic nerves of fans who can now see only in purple and gold. And according to the L.A. Times, scientists may have finally formulated an acceptable placebo effect in What Would Kenny Do?, a coming-of-age comedy that would apologize for its shoehorning of Bieber into a lesser, non-Bieber role by pairing him with Ashton Kutcher, who’s apparently been looking to do something with his floppy-haired successor ever since those strange rumors that Bieber would be taking over Punk’d. (That is, as far as we know, still not happening.)
In a story that parallels Kutcher’s real-life mentoring of Bieber, the flaxen foal being nudged onto the plains by the braying jackass, Kutcher would play a successful thirtysomething who jumps back in time to help his awkward teenaged self (the Biebs) become much less so, even though this would seemingly create all sorts of paradoxes, and obviously everything worked out for Kutcher’s character in the end, so why even bother with the tinkering? But never mind logic: As the L.A. Times points out, the film would bring together Bieber’s teenaged fan base and Kutcher’s women who, as the article dryly notes, “skew a bit older,” and also conveniently put them both in one movie the rest of you can avoid.
Send your Newswire tips to email@example.com