After a week of being beset by “rumors, rumors, and more rumors” surrounding his visit to London, independent adult-person Justin Bieber collapsed backstage at Thursday’s O2 Arena show, clearly spent from his nights of scandalous party-binging on carbon dioxide. Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun attempted to spin the story for the crowd, telling everyone Bieber had some “very light breath,” not unlike a pretty butterfly, that had led to EMTs pumping Bieber full of oxygen for 20 minutes, as a desperate antidote to Bieber’s obvious growing carbon dioxide addiction.
Finally they were able to sober up his lungs enough that Bieber emerged—absolutely covered in trace gases and dripping argon molecules everywhere—to close out the show before being taken to the hospital. There doctors monitored his condition and, no doubt, attempted an intervention where they explained to an eye-rolling Bieber that breathing oxygen was crucial to a healthy lifestyle.
Undaunted in his mission to “continue being me,” however, Bieber then posed for the above Instagram photo of himself, defiantly shirtless and in bed, absolutely surrounded by carbon dioxide—clearly not caring, because he’s being him. Parents of Bieber’s millions of easily influenced young fans are hereby encouraged to keep a close eye on their children, and ask in an accusatory tone every four to eight seconds whether they’re breathing oxygen.
UPDATE: Upon release from the hospital this morning, a clearly carboned-up Justin Bieber attempted to get into a fight with paparazzi, after a photographer yelled at him to "fuck off back to America"—London being an oxygen town. Bieber responded by rushing him, yelling, "I'll fucking beat the fuck out of you," but fortunately he was held back by his bodyguards before that beating the fuck out of someone that was going to happen could commence.
Send your Newswire tips to email@example.com