Magnanimous even in his dominion over creatures great and small and incapable of returning affection, Justin Bieber recently gave one lucky fan his pet hamster, PAC, after troubling questions arose over his PAC's unfettered accepting of corporate donations and shitting little pellet turds everywhere. Unfortunately, Bieber's act of generosity and political self-preservation caught the eye of an equally powerful body, the California Hamster Organization, easily one of California's most influential hamster lobbies.
According to TMZ, the group that isn't called Hamnesty International for some reason has accused Bieber of "animal cruelty," chiding him in a statement that reminds him that hamsters are delicate creatures who are incredibly sensitive to change, and thus "the moment that hamster was handed off to a screaming girl in a harsh, frenzied environment was likely the moment it gazed at the short path to its doom." Hamsters, it seems, are also very prone to poetically grim expressions of fatalism. Hamsters harbor no illusions to keep them warm at night. Save your lies for something other than hamsters.
"I've known adventures, and seen things most hamsters have never seen," PAC likely scratched in his hamster journal, as he gazed upon the hamster gallows that was the screaming maw of his new owner. "I've frolicked in the golden, windswept fields of Justin Bieber's hair. I've been cradled in his hands for photo ops. I've eaten at least two types of carrot. But the shadows lengthen. The final curtain calls. I regret only that I have but one hamster life to give, and that someone on the Internet will probably make jokes about me being in Justin Bieber's ass. Alas, alack, tout est fini."
Of course, PAC's new owner—an 18-year-old adult person named Tori, who is a screaming Justin Bieber "super fan"—has already vowed to worship him "like a tiny rodent god." And thus begins humanity's own short path to its doom.
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