Kanye West, the Steve Jobs of love, and habitual wife Kim Kardashian made their relationship part of landscapes both legal and environmental last night, when Kanye screamed the question via Jumbotron at San Francisco’s AT&T Park, presented her with a 15-carat diamond ring in front of friends, family, a full orchestra, and assorted birds and satellites, then patiently awaited her answer in the stillness, as one does in these sorts of very personal moments. Fortunately, Kim answered yes, so the San Francisco Giants narrowly avoided living under a 100-year curse that would have seen them plagued by injury and, according to whispers among the groundskeepers, an apparition of a leather pants-clad man sulking in the outfield.
According to TMZ, for whom today is also the first day of the rest of their lives, Kanye rented out the stadium for $35,000—and, we assume, a promise that he would only use its facilities tenderly—reportedly flying Kim to San Francisco for her 33rd birthday, blindfolding her, then shanghaiing her to the park in an effort to startle her into displaying a genuine emotion. While Kim likely thought that this meant she had to marry a baseball team, she was instead surprised by an empty, private stadium filled only with the strains of Lana Del Rey’s “Young And Beautiful” (one of Kim’s favorites) from the 50-piece orchestra Kanye had hired, after determining that hiring Lana Del Rey herself would not be expensive enough.
None of the reports indicate whether Kanye then said something about how the only “giants” in the stadium that night were them. Nevertheless, our sources indicate that this would definitely be a baller thing to say.
As witness to their love, Kanye brought along the adorably high-strung robot who writes all of his tweets, plugging him into the Jumbotron so he could flash the emergency romantic message, “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” Kim accepted, causing the robot to short circuit on its own tears. “Tweetbot!” everyone said in unison, laughing the carefree laugh of young-ish love.
This will be Kardashian’s third marriage, and the first for Kanye and the rest of the world who never really knew what it could be until now.