Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Friday, February 14, and Saturday, February 15. All times are Eastern.
House Of Cards (3 a.m., Friday): Here comes Spacey Claus./ Here comes Spacey Claus./ Right down Spacey Claus Lane!/ He’s gonna talk right to the camera./ It’s a device; he’s not insane! Okay, so that last lyric didn’t really scan, but if you’ve been missing the award-nominated House Of Cards—and who hasn’t?!—then you can start watching season two tonight to see how Spacey’s Frank Underwood reduces the national deficit, rebuilds U.S. relations with North Korea, and legalizes gay marriage, just by raising his eyebrows! Nah. We’re just kidding! Nobody practices politics on this show! They practice skullduggery. Look for Todd VanDerWerff’s review of the full season Monday and Scott Von Doviak’s two-episodes-at-a-time review starting next week.
The 2014 Winter Olympics (8 p.m., Friday and Saturday): Have a happy Valentine’s Day with Team USA! And with Caroline Siede and Alasdair Wilkins’ coverage of this weekend’s action. It’ll include the conclusion of men’s figure skating and some ski jumping. But where’s the goddamn bobsled?!
Helix (Syfy, 10 p.m., Friday): Sonia Saraiya is just thrilled that she gets to spend this holiest of greeting card holidays celebrating Billy Campbell being joined by special guest star Jeri Ryan in the latest episode of this show. Hopefully, the virus will fall in love with someone tonight.
Black Sails (Starz, 9 p.m., Saturday): Disaster strikes when the Walrus crew gets up to something or other. Oh, who cares? All you care about are pirates, because pirates are awesome. Rowan Kaiser has been saying, “Yar!” and “Me booty!” all week, but not because of this, weirdly.
TV CLUB CLASSIC
The X-Files (Saturday, 1 p.m.): Oh, shit, we have to write an X-Files review? This is why we should never be given responsibility of any kind. Anyway, Todd VanDerWerff hangs out with “Trust No 1,” which is, depending on whom you believe, awful or a weird preview of Edward Snowden’s America.
ELSEWHERE IN TV CLUB
Look out, America! It’s another holiday weekend, so we came up with another list of shows you should stream over the weekend. Since it’s a shorter one, all of these shows are only one season long. You’re welcome. We’re so thoughtful.
Also, if you’ve been looking for love advice in your life, you can get it from Dan Harmon, creator of Community and co-creator of Rick And Morty, and Erin McGathy, comedian and Harmon’s Harmontown and This Feels Terrible compatriot. Also, they’re engaged. So learn about love from them. Not us.
WHAT ELSE IS ON
Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown; A Charlie Brown Valentine (ABC, 8 p.m., Friday): We’ve never thought the first of tonight’s specials—made in 1975—was one of the better classic holiday specials for the Peanuts gang, but we like It’s The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown, so what do we know?
50 Girls Who Run The World (Fuse, 8 p.m., Friday): Fuse has been given the roster of the women who secretly control the world from their summer hideaway in northern California’s Bohemian Grove? Cool. We’ll be watching.
True Detective (HBO, 9 p.m. Friday): If you missed this week’s True Detective episode—and its bananas ending—then you can get all caught up with it tonight. And as a bonus, the episode from immediately before it airs just an hour earlier.
A Bush Family Album (Fox News, 10 p.m., Friday): This is actually just the third hour of 50 Girls Who Run The World, culminating in a celebration of Barbara Bush (the younger) and observing what goes on when she gazes upon the Cremation Of Care ceremony from the eyes of her great owl god.
Ghost Adventures (Travel, 8 p.m., Saturday): The crew heads to Transylvania for this episode. But wouldn’t that, more accurately, be called a Vampire Adventure? We’re not trying to be dicks here. We just want to be as accurate as possible.
Atlantis (BBC America, 9 p.m., Saturday): We don’t know if any of you were watching this agreeably cheesy fantasy series, but it’s apparently wrapping up its first season this weekend. Enjoy it while you still can, amigos!
Eyes Wide Shut (IFC, 8 p.m., Friday): There are two ways you can sit down with your children and teach them about love this evening of evenings. The first is this, Stanley Kubrick’s last film and a harrowing portrait of what happens when you introduce masks to a marriage. Or…
WALL-E (Disney Channel, 8 p.m., Friday): You could teach kids that love will resurrect a robot. Which is patently false. Stick with Cruise and Kidman, everybody! Your children will thank you later, when their notions about romance have been successfully disabused.
All Quiet On The Western Front (TCM, 8 p.m., Saturday): This is probably the best Best Picture winner from the first 10 selections the Academy made. That’s not too hard, though, because its only real competition is It Happened One Night. But it’s still nice to see this amid a bunch of other dross.
NBA All-Star Celebrity Game: From New Orleans (ESPN, 7 p.m., Friday): With the Olympics on and the NBA All-Star Weekend taking basketball off the air, you’re pretty much SOL if you want to watch something other than college sports this weekend. But here are celebrities playing basketball!
Women’s Golf: Australian Open (Golf Channel, 5 p.m., Saturday): Oh, come on, Golf Channel! You can’t get in on the Bohemian Grove action, too! Besides, even if you wanted to, you would be an evening too late.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Rake (Thursday): Are these the last days of Scott Von Doviak’s coverage of Rake? Probably. Are any of you going to care if we stop covering it? Probably not! (Note: If you are from the future, where Rake is roundly acclaimed as the greatest series of all time, we apologize. We knew not what we did.)