Kung-Fu Master

According to the cute little story that unfolds during attract mode, a kung-fu master named Thomas and his girlfriend, Silvia, were suddenly attacked by "several unknown guys." While Thomas bravely fought off Knife-Throwing Guy, Silvia was kidnapped! Later, Thomas found a note from "X": "Your love Silvia is in custody now. If you want to save your dear Silvia's life, come to the Devil's Temple at once. 5 Sons of the Devil will entertain you."

Well isn't that nice? Mr. X doesn't want to kill Thomas, he just wants the Kung-Fu Master to enjoy his temple's top-quality entertainment. Maybe when Thomas finds Silvia, they can join X at the late-night comedy buffet, which we hear gets a little blue.

Gameplay: The Devil's Temple is a lovely five-story building, decorated in the style of a '50s Chinese restaurant. Each level is filled with those Unknown Guys from the prologue, who attack Thomas using the ancient "raised-arm hug of death" technique.

At the end of each level, a different Kung-Fu Bad Guy must be defeated before you can move on, and all your favorites are here: Beating You With A Stick Guy, Boomerang Guy, Wizard Guy, Freakishly Big Guy, and, of course, Mr. X himself.

Could be mistaken for: Spartan X, Karate Champ, the director's cut of Five Fingers Of The Dragon

Kids today might not like it because: It lacks the Real Ultimate Power they've come to expect from the martial arts.

Kids today might like it because: Okay, we all know that she's just a cartoon, but holy shit, is Silvia hot. She's got this totally sexy china-doll thing going on, and that silk dress is just—what?

Enduring contribution to gaming history: Kung-Fu Master was ported to Nintendo's PlayChoice 10 system for arcades, which was then ported directly to the Nintendo Entertainment System. —Wil Wheaton

 

Wil Wheaton dares you to snatch the pebble from his hand, but warns you that this is not a charade.

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