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Law & Order: SVU - "Funny Valentine"

 February 27, 2013

Adapting the ongoing, Christ-like persecution of Chris Brown into the modern version of a passion play, Law & Order: SVU has unveiled a promo for its upcoming episode “Funny Valentine”—one of the show’s signature, ripped-from-the-headlines-of-several-years-ago plots about a singer who’s brutally beaten by her hip-hop star boyfriend, yet remains inexplicably drawn to him. As the preview says, it’s a “familiar story,” albeit with slight differences that keep it from being libelous: For one thing, the name of the rap star who insists he’s a “lover, not a fighter” while assaulting his girlfriend is  “Caleb,” so automatically it’s different and there’s no reason to sue. For another, the episode features the “Law & Order twist” of having its totally-not-Chris-Brown proxy die (rather than the other Law & Order twist of someone getting raped), and therefore it is not explicitly Chris Brown, because Chris Brown is alive. (SORRY HATERS.)

Still, there are some parallels here if you were to go looking for them deliberately, such as watching the episode while simultaneously being aware of Chris Brown. And in that way, “Funny Valentine” could be like watching Brown’s own Stations of the Cross, with Mariska Hargitay his scowling Pontius Pilate, guest star Jeffrey Tambor (as the rap star’s defense attorney) the Simon of Cyrene who helps him carry his burden, and Ice-T as the guy who looks and sounds like Ice-T. The episode’s description further promises “special appearances by Perez Hilton, Dave Navarro and Wendy Williams,” a portent that’s also ominously biblical.