HBO has released a collection of new photos from the fourth season of Game Of Thrones, offering those anxiously awaiting its April 6 premiere a chance to see old characters and meet a couple of new ones, in what we’ll just assume are the moments right before they die. Let’s look at some of them now and speculate about how that will happen.
Here’s a spiffed-up Jaime Lannister, making what seems to be an appeal to Cersei that he will surely die without incest. “Incest is the life-giving mother to us all, and I miss doing it with her,” Jaime says, shortly before keeling over.
Meanwhile, Tyrion attempts to cheer his young, unwanted bride Sansa Stark by reminding her that hey, at least she’s not dead, like everyone else she’s ever known and loved. This fails to elicit a smile, so Tyrion shoves her breakfast in her face, James Cagney-in-Public Enemy style, suffocating Sansa and putting her out of her misery at last.
Blissfully unaware that she's just been robbed of yet another family member, Arya wanders Westeros with The Hound, who seems to be lost. “I’ll just check Apple Maps,” The Hound says. Seconds later, they turn into a ravine and die.
Wildlings Ygritte and Tormund continue their own mission of revenge against their betrayer, Jon Snow. “You know nothing Jon Snuuuuuuuuuhhhhh,” Ygritte cries, choking to death on her own strangled vowel sounds. A panicked Tormund swallows his beard.
Too busy staring into the distance and thinking about how he's never truly belonged anywhere, etc. etc., Jon Snow doesn’t even notice he is very slowly being advanced upon by Wood Walkers. Sixteen hours later, he is dead of pine allergies.
Far away, Daenerys talks to Daario. “You look different,” she says. Daario smiles a sleepy grin, pulls out a guitar, dons a flouncy scarf, then suggests hey, maybe they slip away somewhere. Within a year, both are dirt poor and dead of drug overdoses.
Here we see Oberyn Martell and Ellaria Sand’s corpses propped up as a warning to other new characters to stay away from Game Of Thrones.
Finally, Joffrey dies from the collective, seething hatred radiated toward this photo. Tyrion wins the game of thrones. The End.