Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen apathetically wedged into Scary Movie 5

Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen apathetically wedged into Scary Movie 5

 Simulacra of hijinks to draggingly ensue 

Staffing their film with the same indifference and creative inertia with which it was conceived, the manufacturers of the upcoming ersatz comedy product Scary Movie 5 have given starring roles to Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, as reported in a cuttingly satirical spoof of genuine human excitement by E! Online. By casting two of Hollywood’s most commonly referenced punchlines, producers expect to save untold minutes of straining to come up with gags where recognizable pop culture things appear and then the film’s characters say what they are—an efficient cutting of corners that should allow the ostensible Black Swan parody to be shot, edited, and in theaters by January 2013, before the mayfly memories of its intended audience lose all retention of what Black Swan was. Now Lohan and Sheen—whose appearances in previous Scary Movie installments were unable to take advantage of his recent tabloid infamy, and thus had to rely on old-fashioned, formalist dick jokes—can simply appear on screen, allowing the audience to recognize that they are inherently funny, because they know who they are. The cast is expected to be rounded out soon by the addition of a Chik-fil-A sandwich.