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Lindsay Lohan's latest alleged criminal caper is already a predictably confusing tangle of contradictions

As Lindsay Lohan cannot even have a simple car accident or take a nap without it blossoming into a gnarled thicket of Rashomon-like confusion, there is probably little hope of unraveling her latest legal trouble, which somehow includes Suge Knight for extra unnecessary distraction. But here goes: According to TMZ, Lohan—who you will recall spent some time in jail over a stolen necklace—has become a suspect in yet another jewelry-related robbery, with cops reportedly investigating her for possibly stealing some $100,000 worth of watches and sunglasses from the home of her friend, Sam Magid. Initially, Lohan was only thought to have brought two unnamed robbers into Magid's home for a party. But as it must, the investigation returned to Lohan, much as the investigations on The X-Files returned again and again to aliens, and that's where things get inevitably complicated.

Those two mysterious men she brought to the party allegedly later told Magid that Lohan had "handed them a bag with two or three pieces of the stolen items wrapped in her T-shirt," which they then returned to Magid. And so, once again backed into a corner, Lohan resorted to her natural, squid-like defense of deploying an inky web of confusing lies, saying that she had actually just hidden some of the stolen items around the house in an Ambien-induced haze, because she was afraid burglars would get them. And although Lohan appeared to contradict this by also sending Magid a seemingly guilty message after the fact ("I'm sorry. Please pray for me"), she also turned around and pinned the blame for the robbery on Suge Knight's son, Andrew Knight, because getting Suge Knight involved always clears everything up. (Oh hey, there is also some question of whether Andrew Knight is even Suge Knight's son! Well, get some more yarn and an index card with a question mark on it, then put it up on the Big Board.)

And before this story threatens to become the all-too-straightforward tale of Lindsay Lohan being framed by Suge Knight's possibly fake son for a failed jewelry heist that somehow involves her two friends and a purloined T-shirt, and which unfortunately coincided with her Ambien-dazed act of thoughtfulness—because everyone is always out to get Lindsay Lohan—Magid, allegedly out of love for and "obsession" with Lohan, is now trying to recant his story, saying that nothing was actually ever stolen. Furthermore, he told Lohan that he'd informed cops that she couldn't steal from him, because "what's mine is yours." So, that clears that up.

Except that, undeterred by Magid's philosophical gotcha, police are nevertheless still considering pursuing criminal charges with other, independent witnesses who were at the party, all of which could culminate in a probation violation for Lohan, should they ever be able to make sense of any of this. Hey, could we also get Lindsay's estranged yet oddly omnipresent father Michael Lohan to add yet another layer of obfuscation by, as always, insisting that he has the real story? There we go. And let us not also ignore the possibility of Castro! 

UPDATE: Confronted with all of this, the L.A. County District Attorney has done the only sensible thing and chosen not to prosecute Lohan, presumably asking officers to please just stop talking and leave immediately, good God.

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