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Live-action Captain Planet movie to save the world through heroic lecturing

Just when we’d given up on saving ourselves and begun prepping our interstellar hovercraft escape routes, Cartoon Network and Transformers franchise producer Don Murphy have finally stepped up, answering the powerful call of our Heart ring to come and develop a live-action movie version of Captain Planet. In his 1990s heyday, the Ted Turner-created superhero was our last and best defense against environmental catastrophe, edutaining an entire generation about the importance of not littering and also never choosing logging or waste disposal as a career path, as those people are all monstrous supervillains. Then his show was canceled, and there were all these devastating hurricanes and earthquakes. Coincidence?

The producers think not, as the press release opines, “With the earthquakes, tornadoes, melting icebergs and all the other problems threatening the world right now, Earth really needs her greatest defender.” It’s true: Currently we’re as lost and hopeless as a ragtag group of teenagers bestowed with magical rings that control various ancient elements and also one that makes it easy to talk to animals for some reason. And as always, you have to wonder why we didn’t just think to summon Captain Planet in the first place. Granted, “The power is yours” and everything, but he’s just so much better at taking care of that stuff.

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