Living Dangerously

Over the past year or so, many films have featured supporting characters who, possibly against their better judgement, have made questionable pacts with evil, inhuman entities such as mummies, computers, and robots. To help clear up why everyone is making these deals, The Onion helpfully presents a brief guide to unholy pacts and their frequently tragic results.

The Matrix

Unholy Pact: Judas figure Joe Pantoliano betrays Keanu Reeves to evil supercomputer forces in exchange for delicious steak and a glass of wine.

Possible Motivation: Steak is extremely tasty.

All Things Considered, Was The Deal Worth It? Probably Not

THE FACULTY

Unholy Pact: High-schoolers and teachers allow themselves to be used as vessels for evil aliens intent on taking over the world.

Possible Motivation: Unlike a certain superpower, evil aliens offered newcomers socialized medicine, freedom from ultra-competitive capitalist environment.

All Things Considered, Was The Deal Worth It? It's left up to the viewer to decide.

VIRUS

Unholy Pact: Crusty sea captain Donald Sutherland joins forces with evil alien computers and is reconstructed as a malevolent half-machine, half-man memorialized in a poor-selling action figure.

Possible Motivation: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

All Things Considered, Was The Deal Worth It? In the end, another course of action may have been preferable.

THE MUMMY

Unholy Pact: Opportunistic Middle Eastern stereotype Kevin J. O'Connor—who, come to think of it, might not be of Middle Eastern descent in real life—joins forces with the millennia-old mummy in exchange for not being killed immediately.

Possible Motivation: Genocidal, bloodthirsty mummy not that bad a guy once you get to know him.

All Things Considered, Was The Deal Worth It? Hard to say, but it might not have been the best choice given the circumstances.

Filed Under: DVD

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