Logger

Ever wonder what Donkey Kong would have been like if the game had talked to you in a weird underwater voice? Or what if, instead of playing a tough little carpenter fighting a giant cool gorilla, you were a wussy little lumberjack fighting a giant lame-o bird? And what if the game really, really sucked?

Well, ponder no more! Simply walk into the seediest arcade in the creepiest part of town (bonus points if you have to walk through a crack den to get there) and drop a few quarters into Logger.

Gameplay: After you realize it's too late to get your quarter back, you're treated to a cute little animation of a friendly lumberjack having his axe stolen by a cute little bird. Aw, isn't that cute? Enjoy it while you can, because the cuteness (and fun) is over. In the blink of an eye, the bird has grown to enormous size... in fact, he's almost as big as a gorilla!

For the rest of the game, you'll be working your way up this rare giant tree, which has a lot of things you may remember from your previous life as a Jumpman: The bird throws barrels down at you on level one, on level two you've got to avoid the barrels while you race across moving platforms, on level three there are these elevators that—oh, screw it. If you've played Donkey Kong, you've played Logger. Only Donkey Kong is a generation-defining game, and Logger is a lousy knockoff.

Could be mistaken for: Crazy Kong, Monkey Donkey, page 22 of How To Rip Off Popular Games For Fun And Profit!

Kids today might not like it because: In spite of their Linkin Park and baggy pants, even the damn kids today know a pile of crap when they see it.

Kids today might like it because: When they play it, they can talk about how great it is, piss off their Generation X parents, and revel in the joy of futile teenage rebellion.

Enduring contribution to gaming history: Century Electronics wrote the book on horrible knockoffs: In 1982 alone, they also gave us Dazzler (Donkey Kong + Pac-Man), Gold Bug (DigDug), and Out Line (Qix + Amidar). Thankfully, their reign of terror came to an abrupt end in 1983.

 

Wil Wheaton sleeps all night and works all day.