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Meanwhile, on Reddit, dudes can’t stop talking about fucking coconuts

Photo: Westend61/Getty Images
Photo: Westend61/Getty Images

As the rest of the world is pondering the fact that our president could improvise us into the nuclear apocalypse, Reddit users are proving why that wouldn’t be such a bad thing by talking about their dicks and unique places in which to place said dicks. The latest to capture the imagination was the humble coconut, which was the center of user coconutthrowaway69’s story in the collection of embarrassing personal stories that comprise the Today I Fucked Up forum.

His story begins in Mozambique, where one day he decided to fuck a coconut as a way of diversifying his masturbation routine. (This only gets worse from here.) He writes:

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.

Over the next, he continued banging the coconut, but his refusal to clean the thing combined with the “humid, muggy weather” resulted in an increase in flies and an “odd, unpleasant smell” in his room. Despite his deduction that it emanated from the come-filled coconut, he decided it was still good for one last fap. “Worst mistake I have ever made,” he writes.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

So popular was coconutthrowaway69’s story that he conducted his own AMA, wherein he responds to a user asking if he thought fucking a coconut was weird by saying, “It was actually the first thought that went through my head, but I was so horny and the coconut looked so inviting that I could no longer resist it.” Hey, who hasn’t been there?

His story also inspired an entire host of others to post their own fruit-fucking stories, several of which were compiled by MEL Magazine. Of note is the dude who broke a toe while fucking a watermelon and another who ended up fucking a kiwi in his attempt to fuck a coconut. The movement is being called the Coconutting. A new forum, Cocofleshlights, has been created to catalog its ingenuity and evolution.

In a perfect example of how urban legends (and, to a degree, FAKE NEWS) are born, the stories have since morphed into such performative fiction that it’s impossible to judge whether there was any truth to the initial story in the first place. Just look at this man who burned himself cooking while reading stories of coconut fucking. Fictions are often built upon exaggeration.

We are now and forever a nation of myths. The Coconutting is but one of many.

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