Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman answer your questions on how to “engage in romantic love”

Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman answer your questions on how to “engage in romantic love”

In an industry rife with short-lived marriages of convenience and seeming soulmates torn apart by the demands of celebrity, Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally remain a rock-solid example of love among the bullshit. The two have been married since 2003, withstanding their respective climbs on Will & Grace and Parks And Recreation, nurturing an enviable shared list of comedy credits, and maintaining a spark evident to anyone who’s watched them destroy a diner with their angry lovemaking on Parks. They’re also natural teachers who recently hit the road with a variety show/seminar to inspire audiences to ascend their own pyramids of greatness, via “10 Tips To Prosperity”—one of the most crucial of which is to “engage in romantic love.” So when it came time for our annual Valentine’s Day Q&A, we could think of no one better to help our readers do just that. And as with just about everything, Offerman and Mullally did it together. Here are their answers to questions our readers submitted at avclub.com:

I have a thing for a friend of mine who recently broke up with her fiancé (for fooling around with other girls) about a month and a half before their wedding was scheduled. How long should I wait before proposing the idea that we date? —Daniel

We feel that getting into it with a friend is always a sticky wicket, but if you must, put your best foot forward and show her your integrity by revealing the way you feel, and then assuring her that you don’t want to pressure her in any way. If and when she’s interested, she’ll give you the high sign.

Or, while she’s sleeping, whip your dick out and show her who’s boss. Either way.

Since I don’t know how to force Mother Nature into the shape of boats using my handsome, raw man hands (mansome hands), what is my best shot at seducing Megan Mullally? (Nick, you don’t have to answer this one if you don’t want.) —Martin

Nick here. I don’t mind handling this one, since at your mere arrangement of syllables, punctuation, and the winning combo-term “mansome,” Megan dropped to the kitchen floor and began masturbating furiously, asking me to repeat your phrases again and again. She says, “Martin, send me some digits, whip your dick out and show me who’s boss.” So…. Hats off, sir. Well played.

My husband farts about 10 times in an evening, even when we have company. How do I get him to stop? —K. Thrace

Megan here. If you think 10 farts per evening is bad, you had better give it another think. Several times a day, Nick shits his pants, scream-belches, “YOU FRACKING WHORE!” at me, snorts a veritable mountain of crushed ephedrine, urinates on our bed, makes me re-shave the swastika into his pubes, and then cries like a baby and calls me “Mommy” while he tries to suckle at my unresponsive buttocks. When we have company over? Forget it. He’s been known to fart-speak the evening’s menu and repeatedly scream, “I’m a killer whale bereft of its pup!” while daintily tongue-teasing his own nipples. THEN he whips his dick out and shows them who’s boss. So, I’m afraid I can’t offer you much solace in this. Good luck.

What are your thoughts on workplace relationships? If you clearly have a mutual attraction with someone you work with, but he refuses to make a move, what do you do? Is it worth it to just tell him how you feel? Or is it better to swallow your feelings and avoid an awkward workplace environment? —Brandi

I guess the attraction is not so clearly mutual if you feel the need to ask this question. Maybe you need to make your desires clear to him. Maybe you need to feel out his willingness to reciprocate. Maybe you need to whip your dick out and show him who’s boss.

My boyfriend of three years and I recently broke up. We were long distance from Day One, which—I know, I know—was a horrible idea. The thing is… we’re in love. As fellow people in love, you know that shit transcends time and space, so we had to be together. After countless texts, flights, and good times, we realized that unless one moved to where the other is, we were doomed. He lives in Chicago and I live in San Francisco. He loves it there and I love it here. He has opportunities to do what he loves there, and I have opportunities to do what I love here. We’re both doing really well in our respective locations. We’re in our early 20s, so rushing to be with someone for the rest of our lives seems unsound, no matter how much we love each other. 

It’s rational to be selfish so young, right? We’re starting our careers, figuring out our post-college identities, discovering what adults should act like, and all those other lessons learned on Girls. Now that we’re broken up, my problem is letting go. I know we’re still in love with each other. Should I truly move on? Or should I make it work at all costs? I know what we have is genuine, and I would hate to lose it knowing I had a chance to make it work. —Sadsack Sally

First of all, we have a rule to never be apart for more than two weeks. We feel that a relationship, if one makes it their top priority, must take precedence over matters of locale.

Secondly, you are indeed young, and it does not seem imprudent to play the field a bit. Maybe date some other folks and see if your bond still holds.

Third, both of those cities are fantastic, so if one of you can brave the move, it’s not like you’ll be without opportunity and culture—and, in the case of Chicago, bratwurst. Another option here is to compromise and move exactly halfway toward each other, which will land you in Cheyenne, Wyoming, a beautiful piece of terrain with great openings in the field of animal husbandry. In case you are not familiar with The Equality State, you might be tickled to know that the state motto is, “Whip Your Buffalo’s Dick Out And Show Us Who’s Boss.”

This doesn’t sound like a problem, but it is. I’m dating this great girl who has a massive sex drive. At first (obviously) it was awesome. We banged our faces off for weeks. I was in vagina heaven. If you haven’t been, it looks and feels like a vagina. But… IT JUST DOESN’T STOP. I mean, I like waking up and boinking three times in a row as much as the next guy. But four in a row? My dick doesn’t have the athletic build of a Kenyan runner. And now it’s just a given that we’re gonna do it up every time we see each other. That’s a lot of pressure. I gotta be clean and energetic every single time we hang out. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but it’s taking a toll. How do I tell my girl I want to have a little less sex without offending/blue-balling her? —Too Much Intercourse

TMI, you need to coerce your lady into some therapy. Sometimes people equate sex with love, and so they feel like they need to maximize the coitus at all times out of insecurity. These persons can feel like a lull in the nookie means a deficiency in the love, so they always make sure that the beast is boasting two backs. 

We recommend you speak your mind, for if your relationship is sound, she will understand your needs and hear you. If she is not willing to understand you, please get her in touch with my Uncle Jeff, who could really use some tail, if you follow my meaning. (I’d love to get some of that nympho jazz going for my uncle.) 

In this case, we’re thinking you might put your dick away and show her who’s boss.

Hi there, cutest couple of the decade! Wondering: What made you decide to get married? Is it just something you always knew you’d do your whole life long and never thought about exactly why? Or did you have specific reasons why—goals you had, experiences you wanted out of it being a legal marriage vs. simply a long-term exclusive relationship? Just curious, as I’ve been wondering about these things for myself for quite a long time, and haven’t been able to decide where I come down on them. Thanks! —Meredith

We fell in love, and before long, we could just tell that we wanted to stay together and make a life together. We wanted to declare to each other and our friends and family that we were in it to win it. It’s important to note that it was not the result of any planning on either of our parts. In fact, we were both looking rather in the other direction when we ran smack into it. Also of note, we got engaged 18 months in, and it was a full three years before Megan whipped her dick out and showed me who’s boss. (Her dick is my boss.)

My wife and I just had our first kid. What are your tips for keeping our relationship strong? —Alex

1) Sell it.

2) If you can’t fetch a decent price, then balance your time between your work, your loving, and your brat.

3) Enjoy your individuality and continue to find time to pursue your own passions, which will be transmuted to your offspring, who will then stand a chance of becoming his/her own person.

4) Do not let your child show his dick to your boss.

My wife and I have occasional disagreements about who qualifies as a celebrity for those lists of acceptable cheating partners. She insists it’s B-list or better, while I nurse enormous crushes on certain Internet personalities. While I have all the sex appeal of a constipated banana slug and the discussion is largely academic, as very famous people yourselves, perhaps you can weigh in. —Seth and Crystal

Gross me out the door. We don’t believe in fantasizing about banana slugs, no matter what list they rate. Or their boss’ dicks, to be quite frank.

I’m going on my sixth year with my girlfriend, Carly, and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to come up with gift ideas for her birthday and holidays. How do you approach gift-giving as the years go by? What’s the most interesting gift you’ve ever gotten from each other? This information will be valuable. —Thom

In this day and age, especially in America, we are so besotted with riches that Megan and I put very little emphasis upon gift-giving. Instead of feeling the pressure to do something significant for each holiday, we instead have a standing deal that we often skip Christmas gifts, and instead just get each other presents at any time, if we should see something that seems like our spouse would love it. We also really appreciate a personal touch more than anything. A small handmade trinket or card is much more meaningful than anything you can purchase.

And if your significant other scoffs at that and says something about diamonds, then you are with an asshole, and you should kick their dick out and watch Who’s The Boss? reruns to salve your wounded heart.

How do I get my wife to shave my back for me? —Dean

Easy. Whip out your dick and show her…

How do you guys handle fights? —Della

With our fists, usually. Sometimes kicking is also effective. Be careful of biting, you don’t want to chip a tooth. If your boss gets involved, whip his dick out and show him… well, himself, I guess. 

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over a year now and have only seen him with a beard and a mustache. I’m worried that if we get serious in a few years, he might shave it off and look like an overgrown schoolboy (he has a very boyish face) and I won’t like him anymore. We bonded over wrestling. Will that be enough to see us through, or will I be gluing hair onto his face while he sleeps? Have you ever had facial-hair-related dilemmas? —Emily

We have seen each other in many different iterations. We don’t always prefer the current facial configuration of whiskers—or shaved head, or beaded vaginal cornrows—but we made a deal to stay together forever, so we know that it will get better. You can always ask him nicely to wear the style you prefer, but you should also respect his needs to appear however he feels right. Something about his dick and who’s boss.