Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Tuesday, October 29. All times are Eastern.
Trophy Wife (ABC, 9:30 p.m.): The “adorable adopted moppet” is nobody’s favorite part of a family sitcom (see also: Lily Pritchett-Tucker, though apparently she’s the only thing keeping Modern Family afloat this season). And yet nobody expected to be so invested in a show called Trophy Wife, either, so maybe it’s not a surprise that all of the show’s best lines keep going to li’l Albert Tsai. The kid ends up in an Iron Man costume in tonight’s Halloween episode, and Brandon Nowalk doesn’t even care about the obvious Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. plug—because it’s BERT!
30 For 30 (ESPN, 8 p.m.): Much like BERT!, tennis pro (and tonight’s 30 For 30 subject) Jimmy Connors burst onto the scene as a young buck who regularly upstaged his elders. But Kevin McFarland wants to know: Could Connors make a full runner out peppering his lines with Yiddish slang, like BERT!?
Person Of Interest (CBS, 10 p.m.): This week’s person of interest isn’t BERT!, so who cares? Well, sure, maybe Phil Dyess-Nugent—but even a curmudgeon like Phil can’t be immune to the charms of BERT!
Sons Of Anarchy (FX, 10 p.m.): SONS OF ANARCHY DVR ALERT: If you don’t want to be frustrated when your latest Sons Of Anarchy recording cuts off 16 minutes short, adjust accordingly. To which Zack Handlen responds, “Can you imagine what Trophy Wife could do with 16 extra minutes of BERT!?”
Awkward. (MTV, 10:30 p.m.): BERT! Bert Bert Bert Bert Bert. Put a Bert on it. Bert? Bert. Myles McBert Bert-vestigates.
WHAT ELSE IS ON
Marvel’s Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC, 8 p.m.): For those who missed it the first few times, here’s another chance to see the premiere of ABC’s new crown jewel. What’s On Tonight remains unconvinced that the pilot isn’t some elaborate infomercial paid for by the Tahitian tourism board, though.
Restaurant Redemption (Cooking, 8 p.m.): Ching-He Huang tries her hand at the Kitchen Nightmares formula—it’s like Gordon Ramsay’s show, but probably with less yelling.
The X Factor (Fox, 8 p.m.): With the World Series taking the night off, you may be asking yourself, “So what’s keeping the Fox comedies off the schedule?” (You know, aside from cowering in terror at the awesome power of BERT!…) Answer: It’s the selection of The X Factor’s 12 finalists, a.k.a. the latest edition of Who Won’t Be The American One Direction?
Naked Vegas (Syfy, 10 p.m.): The latest entry in Syfy’s stable of behind-the-scenes shows prompted What’s On Tonight to Google “Skin Team + Las Vegas”—the results of which are surprisingly SFW.
From Dusk Til Dawn (MoreMAX, 7:10 p.m.): South-of-the-border vampires mark the intersection between the cinematic universes of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino, in which everyone loves Big Kahuna Burgers and Michael Parks is Texas’ only lawman.
Badlands (TCM, 8 p.m.): In a more quietly unsettling work from a Texan filmmaker (or was he born in Illinois?), Terrence Malick follows Martin Sheen and Sissy Spacek on the most gorgeously photographed killing spree of the 1970s.
NBA Basketball: Bulls at Heat (TNT, 8 p.m.): Basketball season opens with a blockbuster: The defending NBA champs host the Bulls and their recovered franchise player, Derrick Rose. (But could Rose, LeBron James, Chris Bosh, or Dwayne Wade nail a one-liner like BERT!? Didn’t think so.)
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Hostages: One of television’s strangely resilient non-BERT! offerings, Hostages continues to putter along in spite of a) It’s lack of BERT!, and b) the utter ludicrousness of the hostage situation at the center of the show. But if Sonia Saraiya were to know BERT! and except him into her heart, surely it would make the experience of reviewing Hostages more bearable.