Thanks, no doubt, to the data that we are only now receiving from the Mars Curiosity rover, the National Association of Theater Owners—in conjunction with NASA scientists—have determined that movie ticket prices, already way too damn high, are now even way damn higher. “You might even say they’re… astronomical,” said one NASA researcher, his pun-ful mirth naught but a mask of deception for the ugly truth he was forced to relay. The last three months have seen the average cost of admission hit a new high of $8.12—up from the $7.89 that was cited as the highest on record the last time this report came out in 2011, when most believed they were safe in assuming that it definitely couldn’t get any higher and would probably go down again really soon, because as we all know, these things are always just cyclical. Lord, what fools those cave people of 2011 were, when they believed that inflated 3-D ticket prices were only temporary and unmanned missions to Mars were pure science fiction. Anyway, as with last year’s report, it’s not expected to have any real impact on the movie-going public, considering $8.12 sounds like a bargain compared to the $10-$20 your local theater is actually charging.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org