Because the cast members of Jersey Shore now require the photosynthetic light of the cameras, otherwise they bend and wilt into sad, limpid, Ed Hardy-bedazzled puddles, MTV has officially ordered two new spinoff series to fill those weeks-long voids between seasons of the show, reunion specials, and interviews and appearances promoting seasons of the show and reunion specials. The first is an untitled project following buoyant best buds Snooki and JWOWW after “the vacation is over,” when they are forced to return to the banal drudgery of collecting $32,000 to speak at Rutgers and working out terms to strip for Playboy. The second is a long-rumored series following “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio as he tours the country, bringing house music to the masses, and spouting catchphrases as easily as some people breathe.
Left out: The mostly stable and therefore boring Vinny; The Situation, who’s looking to graduate from the reality game to acting in movies, like the next generation’s “Body By Jake” Steinfeld, let’s say; and Sammi and Ronnie, whom MTV gave their own “spinoff” that involves them acting out their circular, Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? Wait, Who’s Virginia Woolf? Did You Smoosh Some Chick Named Virginia Woolf? roundelay in front of an unplugged camera operated by a cardboard cutout. Shhhh.