Crisis (NBC, 10 p.m.): There’s a Crisis on NBC. The collective work of Gillian Anderson, Dermot Mulroney (not Dylan McDermott), and Rand Ravich has produced this Crisis. Crisis cannot be averted by our stupid wordplay or Todd VanDerWerff’s lukewarm reception. Crisis is imminent; prepare for Crisis. But only after you’ve listened to The Voice and had your faith shaken—for you must first Believe before you can experience Crisis.
American Dad (Fox, 7:30 p.m.): The reshuffling required by the tremendous mass of the Cosmos puts American Dad in a prime position for hilarious FCC complaints. Kevin McFarland’s only complaint with the move stems from the noxious presence of special guest star Mark Cuban.
30 For 30 (ESPN, 8 p.m.): Just in time for the NCAA basketball tournaments, 30 For 30 vet Ezra Edelman returns to the documentary series to chronicle the rise of the Big East Conference and the many roundball powerhouses organized under its umbrella. Kevin McFarland has contracted March Madness, and the only known cure is vintage footage of Patrick Ewing.
Girls (HBO, 10 p.m.): Just like its protagonist, Girls finds itself suddenly lonely on Sunday nights. But don’t worry, Girls—wherever you go, whatever you do, Todd VanDerWerff is right there waiting for you.
Bob’s Burgers (Fox, 7 p.m.)
The Simpsons (Fox, 8 p.m.)
Once Upon A Time (ABC, 8 p.m.)
The Good Wife (CBS, 9 p.m.)
Family Guy (Fox, 8:30 p.m.)
Shameless (Showtime, 9 p.m.)
The Walking Dead (AMC, 9 p.m.)
Revenge (ABC, 10 p.m.)
TV CLUB CLASSIC
Doctor Who (11 a.m.): Like the Daleks and Cybermen before him, recurring Doctor Who favorite William Shakespeare makes his first appearance in the rebooted series. Alasdair Wilkins just doesn’t know how the Who writers come up with these fanciful characters!
The Simpsons (Classic) (3 p.m.): If this review doesn’t post right on schedule, assume Erik Adams’ laptop has shorted out because some dust got in his eyes while watching “Mother Simpson.” Or something was caught in the contacts he decided to wear for no good reason. Or there was dust under the contacts. Definitely a foreign object in the eyes and not open weeping over “Mother Simpson.”
WHAT ELSE IS ON
Killer Legends (Chiller, 8 p.m.): Documentary examines the origins of urban legends that continue to haunt the American psyche. Like the history of creepy clowns in Chicago, which apparently goes beyond John Wayne Gacy to include… Bozo? (The Chicago resident typing this sentence thinks you may have dropped the ball on that one, Killer Legends.)
2014 mtvU Woodie Awards Special (MTV, 8 p.m.): MTV presents a very short Woodie: This summarization of mtvU’s signature award show is only 35 minutes long.
Naked After Dark (Discovery, 10:30 p.m.): [Holds envelope to head, a la Carnac The Magnificent. Recites the title of this new Naked And Afraid wrap-up show, the existence of which is the only thing more ridiculous than the forthcoming punchline. Opens envelope.] “What’s the best way to find a Woodie?” [The ghost of Ed McMahon laughs.]
Armageddon (Cinemax, 7:30 p.m.): If you’re not watching the second episode of Cosmos tonight, Neil deGrasse Tyson will not endorse your choice to watch this, the scientifically inferior death-by-space-rock movie from 1998.
The Great Gatsby (HBO, 7:30 p.m.): Every award show suspects itself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is the Oscars: The visual awards won by this flashy, fluffy spectacle are the only honest Oscars What’s On Tonight knows. (Well, those and 12 Years A Slave for Best Picture. Plus Spike Jonze’s screenplay win for Her. And don’t forget Gravity’s special effects win. Dammit, the Oscars kind of got it right this year, didn’t it?)
NHL Hockey: Detroit Red Wings at Chicago Blackhawks (NBC Sports, 7:30 p.m.): Any other year, this late-season matchup would have tremendous bearing on the NHL playoff picture. In 2014, however, the Hawks are stuck behind Colorado and St. Louis, and the Wings might miss the playoffs for the first time since George H.W. Bush was president. In other words, everything What’s On Tonight knows is a lie.
TOMORROW IN TV CLUB
LIVE! FROM TELEVISION CLUB! ON THE INTERNET! PLAYHOUSE 90! STARRING: LITERARY CLASSICS! LIVE FLUBS! ALSO STARRING: BACKSTAGE INTRIGUE! WRITTEN ESPECIALLY FOR THE A.V. CLUB BY STEPHEN BOWIE! A HISTORY OF THE SHOW THAT MARKED THE PINNACLE AND ULTIMATE DEMISE OF LIVE TV!
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Black Sails: Fold up the Black Sails until next season, ye hearties: Season one has run aground. Rowan Kaiser weighs anchor and weighs in on the finale.