After careful consideration of customer and investor feedback, and coming to the conclusion that everyone is just gonna be a jerk about it, Netflix has rescinded its plan to split itself into two companies, two websites, and two glorious paths into the future. “It is clear that for many of our members two websites would make things more difficult,” CEO Reed Hastings said in a statement, most likely bitterly mocking you. “So we are going to keep Netflix as one place to go for streaming and DVDs. This means no change: one website, one account, one password…in other words, no Qwikster.” (Those recent price increases, of course, will remain in effect.) Hastings’ announcement—which came barely a month after the initial decision to divide Netflix in half—resulted in a slight stock bump for the increasingly battered company, as well as a very sad morning in which employees somberly pulled down all of their brand-new Qwikster posters and carefully packed them away, as it was just too hard to look at them right now. Hastings, meanwhile, has been holed up in his office, instantly streaming a vast library of tears.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org