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Netflix threatens to bring back Full House

As presaged by earlier reports and the sudden disappearance of predictability, throwing the world into a state of confused, milkman-less chaos, Full House is nearing a full-blown revival. The sequel to the late-’80s/early-’90s/timelessly awful sitcom is reportedly close to a pick-up of 13 episodes on Netflix, the streaming service that offers the sort of indulgence without judgment that is so valued by its viewers, particularly those who just want to regress for hours on end into the sitcoms of their youth, likely while in the fetal position. When you’re lost out there and you’re all alone, Netflix is waiting to carry you home, oh you babies who grew up too fast and started looking kind of weird.

According to TV Line, the streaming service is mere inches away from ordering the Full House sequel, a distance thinner than the excuse that requires three grown men to share a house for longer than is logically necessary. That continuation, called Fuller House, will regrettably not be about the ever-expanding Tanner family finally taking up residence inside one of inventor Buckminster Fuller’s geodesic domes. Instead it will be the far more nonsensical story of an all-grown-up D.J., played with repressed evangelism by Candace Cameron Bure, palling around with her similarly adult friend Kimmy Gibler (Andrea Barber), whose refusal to leave the Tanner household will now function as a meta commentary on the series itself.

Other Full House stars such as John Stamos, Bob Saget, and Dave Coulier are reportedly being “eyed” to make guest appearances, with the same wariness that one eyes a dog after setting out a steak.

Noticeably absent in reports are The Olsen Twins’ Michelle and Jodie Sweetin’s Stephanie, though one assumes they’ll turn up as well—perhaps living beneath the basement floorboards, among the dark, subterranean clan of mole people that D.J. and Kimmy discover and accidentally unleash into the house, filling it fuller than ever before. “Truly, this is now the Fullest House,” the mole people will declare, the new kings of those who want nothing more than to bury themselves in the detritus of the past.

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