A.V. Club Most Read

News Newswire Great Job, Internet!
TV Club All Reviews What's On Tonight
Video All Video A.V. Undercover A.V. Cocktail Club Film Club
Reviews All Reviews Film TV Music Books
Features All Features Spoiler Space TV Club
Sections Film Tv Music Food Comedy Books Games Aux
Our Company About Us Contact Advertise Privacy Policy Careers RSS
Onion Inc. Sites The Onion The A.V. Club ClickHole Onion Studios

New Real Housewives "Song" Proves Money Can't Buy You Class,

But it can buy you a whole lot of autotune.

If you watch The Real Housewives Of NYC, then you know that Countess Luann Delesseps is probably the least likely of all the walking leather handbags shot with Juvaderm on that show to attempt a singing career. (If you don't watch The Real Housewives Of NYC, then you have no idea who Countess Luann Delesseps is, and therefore you're a very lucky person.) This is because Countess Luann has the voice of a cartoon cigarette in an anti-smoking PSA. When she speaks, it sounds like her voice is trying to escape from a larynx stuffed with ash, cinders, and condescension.  

Still, against the odds and everyone with functioning eardrums, Countess Luann has attempted a singing career, and when she sings she sounds like a dream—a creepy, campy, wholly computer-generated dream. If you've ever wanted to hear what a snobby disco ball doing spoken word inside of a computer sounds like, then click here.

(Song via DListed)

If you're wondering why, in God's name why this is happening, Countess Luann explains:

“My book [Class with the Countess] is about my journey in life and how I learned to be elegant. I translated that into song, so I talk about how money can’t buy you class, but elegance can be learned.” While not your average dance track concept, “I have fun with it,” explains de Lesseps. “It’s a very Holly Golightly, runway, glamour-puss kind of song.”

So how do her two kids, Noel, 13, and Victoria, 15, feel about having a potential pop diva for a mom? “I’m not a rock star by any means, but my kids think it’s great,” says de Lesseps. “They know I’m a showgirl. I’ve been working in Italian television since 1990, turning letters like Vanna White. So it’s who I am, and the kids know that.”

She's the Italian TV version of Vanna White, of course she's going to record a novelty single that sounds like it was somehow filtered through eight house-music-loving modems.

Also, "I've been working in Italian television since 1990" is the perfect excuse for any number of things: "I've been working in Italian television since 1990, which is why I use old newspapers instead of Kleenex" "I've been working in Italian television since 1990, so I carry at least three switchblades on my person at all times." "I've been working in Italian television since 1990, so that's why I don't feed the maid." Etc.