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New, Kirk Cameron-less film versions of Left Behind series in the works

At a time when Christianity has been tested by increasing godlessness and Jesus’ no-shows at both the 2011 Rapture and Kirk Cameron’s birthday party, we need the comfort of God’s angry, apocalyptic wrath more than ever. So writer-producers Paul Lalonde and John Patus have reteamed to once more create a film version of the popular Left Behind novels, the Book-of-Revelation-meets-Tom-Clancy thrillers that examine what will happen after all the devout Christians are swept away by the Rapture, the political powerhouse that is Romania finally produces the Antichrist, and then [SPOILER ALERT] the true believers triumph in Armageddon through a combination of faith and rocket launchers.

Lalonde and Patus previously turned Left Behind into a low-budget series starring Kirk Cameron, and God saw it—and judging by its box office, he was one of the only to do so—and God saw that it was good. Or, well, “okay,” but God thought that maybe they could do better than Kirk Cameron. So Lalonde and Patus’ production company, Cloud Ten, is now looking for a director who can properly spend their $15 million budget on a film that is “more in the mold of a classic disaster movie”—the kind made in the day when $15 million bought you a disaster movie—and which will track the first few hours after the Rapture when all the survivors first realize that their sins have condemned them to running around, screaming their repentance in front of green screens while avoiding all profanity, and lost in the darkness without the light of Kirk Cameron to guide them. Yea, as it was prophesied.

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