In an incident that’s just the latest example of the internet forcing famous people to deny the weird rumors and jokes about them that run non-stop through its collective, electric mind, former Sonic Youth bassist Kim Gordon has been forced to clarify that she was never bitten by a coyote outside a Whole Foods in the Silver Lake neighborhood of Los Angeles.
Claims to that effect came courtesy of an Instagram account purporting to be the official one for the Silver Lake store, which put forward the following post on Saturday, briefly tricking people into thinking the attack might actually have occurred:
But while that initial post—which came shortly after the account offered a promotional offer on energy drinks for cocaine users—was reasonably deadpan, things surrounding the non-existent attack quickly grew absurd. Apparently realizing that they’d stumbled onto a real fake human interest story—complete with wild animals, thrilling heroics, and a critically beloved visual artist and musician—the writers of the account continued to expand on their efforts to stop the “problem,” up to and including a six-step plan that involved Kim Gordon decoys, baristas piloting drones, and “paintball guns containing a non-lethal combination of calming herbs, locally sourced by our Whole Foods staff.”
But all good things must come to an end. While Gordon seems unperturbed about her fictitious ordeal, the actual Whole Foods store in question has vowed to bring the pranksters down, assuring the artist that they’re trying to get the account pulled from Instagram. For their own part, though, the writers for the fake account seem to have bigger things to worry about right now:
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