RuPaul’s Drag Race (LOGO, 8 p.m.): The Sochi Games have finally come to a close—and every network that isn’t NBC could not be happier. There’s a full slate of programming on tonight and for the rest of the week. We hope you enjoyed two weeks catching up on TV, because with the hint of spring around the corner and the end of the television season lurking just beyond that, the prestige dramas are rolling out and there are new episodes and returning shows everywhere. Scared? Confused? Lost? Don’t worry. Because tonight, there is just one thing you must watch. RuPaul’s Drag Race returns tonight, to embrace you with glitter, eyeshadow, and affectionate bitching. There’s no better way to celebrate the end of two weeks of athleticism in a country that has made homosexuality illegal than watching 14 drag queens duke it out for the title of America’s Next Drag Superstar, right? Oliver Sava is covering the show for us as usual. Break out your best lip-syncing sweatpants.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.): It’s the morning of his wedding, and Barney Stinson has a hangover. Only the Stinson Hangover-Fixer Elixir can save him! As the gang works to put together its weird ingredients, Donna Bowman politely asks if the SHFE will be on sale at a store near her anytime soon. For reasons.
Archer (FX, 10 p.m.): Malory takes the team on a road trip, and we take a sigh of relief, because three weeks without Archer was just way too many weeks. Todd VanDerWerff is on call tonight to answer any and all of your questions about road trips fueled by cocaine and diner food.
The Blacklist (NBC, 10 p.m.): This show took a long winter break, but it, too, is finally back, as you probably noticed by the countless NBC spots for it during the Olympics. We confess that we have no idea what show they have been watching, because those spots did not look anything like the slightly tired procedural Phil Dyess-Nugent had been watching. We’re not covering this drama anymore, because we couldn’t quite find a reason to liveblog James Spader’s millinery choices. But it’s worth keeping an eye on.
ELSEWHERE IN TV CLUB
It’s a full slate today for television coverage. We’ve got two TV Reviews up at midnight, for the second season of FX’s The Americans and the debuting Mind Games. Erik Adams says of The Americans that it’s a little mixed, but still one of the best dramas on television; Todd VanDerWerff writes of the latter that it’s a kind of sweet show about invasive mind control, so that’s something.
And this will be a treat for those of you who put the daily Jeopardy! roundup in the comments: Marah Eakin interviewed four-time (and still competing!) Jeopardy! champion Arthur Chu for our Expert Witness series, to get the story of how he’s winning from the horse’s mouth.
This last one goes live at 11 a.m.: For our One Season Wonders, Weirdos, And Wannabes feature, Sonia Saraiya wrote up the short-lived Canterbury’s Law, a legal procedural set in Providence which cast Julianna Margulies as a tough lawyer with issues a mere 16 months before The Good Wife.
WHAT ELSE IS ON?
The Voice (NBC, 8 p.m.): The sixth-season premiere! Those spinny chairs with the red Xs are back in action, and NBC really hopes you watch this because it doesn’t have a lot going on anymore! (Incidentally, what did you think of that sing-off with Shakira, Usher, Blake Shelton, and Adam Levine covering each others’ songs? Our primary takeaway was that Shelton does a better “Whenever, Wherever” than we were entirely uncomfortable with.)
Dallas (TNT, 9 p.m.): This reboot of the legendary drama enters its third season tonight. Stuff happens to people who may or may not be J.R. This is just your regular reminder that Jordana Brewster is in this show!
Vanderpump Rules (Bravo, 9 p.m.): Bravo’s efforts to milk the surprisingly popularity of this Real Housewives-spinoff for all its worth has reached new heights—in addition to a two-part finale over the past two weeks, it is tonight airing an hourlong special titled “Secrets Revealed,” which will drag out some new stuff about the season to “entertain” you with.
Shakespeare In Love (FXM, 8 p.m.): “What is the play, and what is my part?” An existential question for the ages. Tom Stoppard co-wrote the deliciously meta script for this controversial Best Picture Oscar-winner, which annoys a lot of people but that some of us here at What’s On Tonight happen to enjoy.
Selena (FUSE, 9 p.m.): Jennifer Lopez’s breakout role was in this biopic of Selena Quintanilla-Pérez, a Texas native dubbed the “Mexican Madonna” after becoming suddenly and wildly popular in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. Selena was killed by the president of her fan club when she was just 23 years old. Edward James Olmos also stars in the film.
WWE Raw (USA, 8 p.m.): The ominous Elimination Chamber results will be announced. This is what we have for sports, now that the Olympics are gone. Are you happy, America?!
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Downton Abbey: This show aired its finale during the Olympics closing ceremonies, which may have slightly dimmed its appeal. Sonia Saraiya is confused by how much she liked this season. Has Hostages broken her forever? Read on to discover for yourself.