Important news from the National Geographic Wild panel at the Television Critics Association Press Tour today: To compete with Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl (now entering its tenth, er, Xth year) and Hallmark’s Kitten Bowl (just launching this year) and the actual Super Bowl, the channel will offer up its own thrilling counter-programming: Fish Bowl I. Beginning at 6 p.m. Eastern on Feb. 2, better known as Super Bowl Sunday, the network will air four straight hours of a fishbowl, because the business model for a niche cable network is so forgiving in terms of profit margins that why the fuck not, right?
The fish is a goldfish, its name is Goldie, and the channel actually brought it to the panel, though reporters were not allowed to ask it about nudity for some reason. For the four hours the program airs, Goldie will invite viewers into her home to share dips, offer predictions and picks, and a bunch of other stuff that was probably just fish puns I have already forgotten. The important thing to remember is that some percentage of the country is going to watch a fish pretend to watch the Super Bowl, then turn to the other part of the country, laugh, and make some joke about having no long-term memory, like [insert name of stupid player/coach on team you hate, since Rob Gronkowski is injured, so we can’t use him]. Presumably, this will promote a spirit of bonhomie and brotherhood with our finned friends. Or it will just be four hours of a fishbowl airing on television, because someone will make money off of it, most likely.
No news on if Fish Bowl I will have a kitten halftime show like the original article, but it’s probably a terrible idea.
Happy weekend, America.