Nymphomaniac

Continuing one of the world’s slowest, shittiest services, Lars von Trier brings out his third “appetizer” in as many months for Nymphomaniac’s cornucopia of celebrity copulating. You’ve been tempted by sweet chocolate-sex metaphors, had your palate cleansed with the thin, watery soup of Shia LaBeouf’s British accent, and now it’s time for your first acidic course, as Uma Thurman, wife of one of Stacy Martin’s many lovers, bitterly confronts Martin with children in tow. “Would it be all right if I showed the children the whoring bed?” Thurman asks, in what is immediately the film’s best contender for a T-shirt slogan. Hey, would it be all right if all of us saw the whoring bed? Let’s all go to the whoring bed, you guys, it’s the weekend!

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