A not so long time ago, as recently as January, it seemed that the circle was complete, and that Darth Vader—once but the learner—had become the master of appearing in crime reports that afforded the opportunity to make easy Star Wars jokes. But your eyes can deceive you; don't trust them and so forth: CBS News reports the recent arrest of one Obiwan Kenobi, a name we've not heard in a long, long time because it is the name of a character in a movie and not a real person, except for the guy who legally changed it to that in 1999 to collect a $1,000 reward from a radio station.
According to reporters in the wretched hive of scum and villainy known as Las Vegas, the questionable decision-making of this "Obiwan Kenobi" didn't end there, as the 37-year-old formerly known as Benjamin Feit demonstrated the power of the Force by surrounding and penetrating five cars in a hit-and-run accident on March 19, then vanished into the cloak of his Roseville, Calif. home shortly thereafter. Police were nevertheless able to discern that Kenobi did it, because the tracks were side-by-side and Sand People ride single file to hide their numbers, and also everyone saw his green sedan.
Confronted with his crime, Kenobi probably then waved his hand and said, "These aren't the droids you're looking for," then insisted that he thought if he struck those cars down they would become more powerful than you could possibly imagine, and then added that what he said was true… from a certain point of view, and other things from the movies. And then everyone probably had an even heartier laugh after the police said they were alerted to the accident by the sensation that it was as if a thousand voices suddenly cried out in pain and were suddenly silenced—but no, seriously, a bunch of people were hurt. "That's your uncle talking," Kenobi probably replied, with the ensuing awkward silence signaling that everyone had pretty much run out of Star Wars quotes and they should go ahead and get him off to jail now.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org