As the dissection continues of last night’s episode of Game Of Thrones (a dissection that, if you haven’t yet seen the episode, but for some reason are clicking on an article whose headline clearly indicates that the episode will be discussed therein, may cause you to cry “spoiler,” likely before you, say, eat silica gel, try using an air mattress to go whitewater rafting, or maybe just walk directly into traffic), TMZ has the expert opinion you’ve been waiting for: an analysis from a former witness at the O.J. Simpson trial, who can tell us whether all that throat-cutting was realistic. And according to Dr. Michael Baden—a former host of HBO’s Autopsy, and a forensic pathologist who appeared for O.J. Simpson’s defense, so he definitely knows about throat-cutting and elaborate fantasies—it definitely wasn’t.
“Blood doesn't come out like that,” Baden tells TMZ while amending, “Just by chance I walked in during the scene when everyone was being killed”—which is a pretty weirdly defensive explanation of how he happened to be watching Game Of Thrones. (“Oh no, I wasn’t watching that show… I was too busy poking my corpses!”) Anyway, as Baden explains to the people who still want to hear this stuff, “If cut deep enough, the right and left carotid artery will spurt a few feet, just like a hose.... Not this broad blood flowing out like a waterfall from the whole neck. There would have been squirting from the right or left carotid artery. Carotid arteries spurt.” Indeed they do! Haven’t you seen the popular T-shirts that we certainly didn’t create just now for the sole purpose of this joke?
Continuing this rare stumble on a show that’s otherwise painted very realistic portrayals of people throwing their consciousnesses into wolves and praying away being sliced in half by swords, Baden points out that the final scene is further suspect, because death from throat-slashing “takes much longer than that.” So hopefully the season finale will correct this by opening with an extra 10 minutes of everyone slowly bleeding out.