Even though you refuse to call it and let you know how you're doing, One Million Moms continues to want only the best for you. After all, it went to the trouble of birthing you from the One Million Vaginas that it does not have, because vaginas are sinful, and the least you can do is listen to it without sneering, "Oh, One Million Moms" and slamming your bedroom door. Because they're older than you, and they've seen more through the tiny, trembling cracks of their fingers before fainting from mortification than you've seen in your lifetime, so they know what is and isn't worth releasing a histrionic press release about, misters and missies.
For example, even though your friends think it's totally "hip" to pop fruit-flavored candies and then have freaky sex with marine animals, One Million Moms is here to tell you that it is absolutely not:
We are not sure of Skittles' thought process behind their new ad, but if they are attempting to offend customers, they have succeeded. Skittles' newest "Walrus" commercial includes a teen girl making out with a walrus. The two are on a sofa in an apartment kissing on the mouth when her shocked roommate walks in on them. Parents find this type of advertising inappropriate and unnecessary. Does Skittles' have our children's best interest in mind? Skittles candies are for all ages, but their target market is children… Skittles Marketing Team may have thought this was humorous, but not only is it disgusting, it is taking lightly the act of bestiality.
Indeed, for weeks now our children have been inundated with these impressionable images of a walrus making out with a "teen girl" who seems to be in her mid-to-late twenties (obviously, a subliminal suggestion that kissing walruses makes you appear more grown up). And the impact has been purely theoretical, yet surely devastating: An implicit link has been established between the deliciously tangy taste of Skittles and the joys of fucking our friends from the sea, while the gays' symbolic "rainbow" of gayness that Skittles is always urging children to taste has been revealed to include several flavors of bestiality, as predicted by many a conservative pundit.
If America once again ignores One Million Moms with one million eye-rolls, our nation will only continue to drown in a moral cesspool—and who knows what kinds of things are swimming in there that you could have sex with? Possibly some seahorses, and everyone knows seahorses love anal. [via Gawker]
Submit your Newswire tips here