Knowing that the root of all fears about the future lie in uncertainty, Paramount has quelled an anxious nation by outlining its release slate for the next two years—a slate that is, reassuringly, filled with predictable sequels, reboots, and remakes. The occasion for the announcement was an advanced screening at the CineEurope conference of the studio’s Transformers: Age Of Extinction, a film that, fittingly enough, is a reboot in disguise as a sequel. And as hinted at when Mark Wahlberg signed on for three of them, Paramount’s Edward Ryan confirmed that Transformers 5 is now officially scheduled for 2016 (and spoiled that Transformers 4 is apparently an age of quasi-extinction, at best).
That same year will also see Paramount release other previously announced or suspected sequels, reboots, and remakes, like G.I. Joe 3, Star Trek 3, Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters 2, Paranormal Activity 5, a new Ben Hur, and Beverly Hills Cop—which, like Transformers: Age Of Extinction, is a sequel that’s cleverly hiding within a reboot. This is presumably along with sequels to whatever other Paramount movies prove successful this summer (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Hercules, for example), and any other reboots that have yet to be announced.
In the meantime, the next year will see the studio release its 3-D sequel to The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, Hot Tub Time Machine 2, the sequel/reboot Terminator: Genesis, the sequel/reboot Friday The 13th, Mission: Impossible 5, and a remake of The Gambler, also starring Mark Wahlberg. In fact, the sole non-sequel-or-reboot property Paramount announced was the Michael Bay-produced Project Almanac, a found-footage film about friends who learn too late that attempting to relive and remold the past for their own gains over and over again has dire ramifications for the future.
As of press time, the irony was lost on Paramount.