Whereas expectant parents once turned to the Bible for all their naming-and-establishing-a-lifetime-of-ironic-sinfulness needs, these days the Rachels and Methuselahs of the world are rapidly giving way to baby names inspired by television—the modern Bible. As The Independent reports, people are increasingly naming their kids after characters in series like Breaking Bad, Homeland, and even Game Of Thrones, creating a new generation who will grow up explaining that their moms and dads really liked this old show about meth dealers, enough to amuse themselves by saddling their kids with the connection for a lifetime. (“Pfft. You were lucky,” their Uncle Bull Shannon will say.)
According to a survey by the UK’s BabyCentre, thanks to Breaking Bad, this year has seen a 70-percent increase in babies named “Skyler” who are always getting in the way of their parents’ schemes, prompting a rash of thinkpieces on society’s disturbingly entrenched belief that babies should be submissive. Meanwhile, the name “Jesse” has seen only a 13-percent increase, from parents who should maybe be watched a little more closely than others.
“Saul” is also up 25 percent—possibly inspired either by Breaking Bad’s slimeball lawyer or Homeland’s fuzzball CIA director, with attendant questionable ethics either way. But the Showtime series is almost definitely behind the rise in popularity in “Carrie” (up 200 percent among babies with the ugliest cry-faces), “Brody” (up 40 percent among babies who will also stop being interesting after two years), and “Dana” (up 66 percent among babies whose problems will become the most fascinating thing in the world, even more than the threat of global terrorism).
Finally, Game Of Thrones made its first significant leaps onto the chart, with “Arya” jumping 183 percent to land in the Top 100 names, and the first-ever baby “Sansa” being registered—both members of the House of Stark, Soon-To-Be-Embarrassing Contrasts with Normal Families. Still, neither “Joffrey” nor “Hodor” have yet to be registered, suggesting some parents don’t yet realize that their children are basically playthings to humiliate for their own amusement.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org