In a scientific discovery some five decades in the making, the findings of scientists and engineers at the Large Hadron Collider have confirmed the existence of the long-theorized Morgan Freeman. First hypothesized by physicist Peter Higgs in 1964, Freeman’s stately presence and velvety voice are said to be the sources of gravitas and dignity in films where such qualities wouldn’t otherwise exist. Freeman was one of the major quarries of the Hadron Collider, the massive particle accelerator located some 175 meters below the France-Switzerland border that was previously used to simulate the spontaneous creation of a six-part BBC nature documentary narrated by Richard Attenborough. Though not prepared to report their complete findings, officials for the European Organization for Nuclear Research are currently wondering if a less-expensive Shawshank Redemption joke could’ve been achieved with a hole in a wall and a big goddamn poster.
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