Previously On Drunk

Look! It's a Lost drinking game.

Tonight Lost, ABC's premier show for obsessives,  shut-ins, and various and sundry geeks, becomes stuck in time (see what I did there?) at 9pm on Wednesdays for at least the next few months. In order to celebrate this momentous occasion, and because someone has to do it, I've created a Lost drinking game that promises to buffer the woozy mix of confusion and frustration that comes from watching any episode of Lost with a comforting cushion of booze. At least this way, when the show leaves you feeling disoriented, angry, or strangely elated, you can blame the alcohol. Drinking games are the new maturity. 

Take a sip whenever:

--Someone has daddy issues. (Your father being a malevolent spirit force living on a magical island counts as daddy issues.)

--Sayid is faced with a mountain of severed wires and/or thoroughly broken electronic devices and he says, "I'll need a minute."

--You know that Charlotte is evil, because, come on, you know she is.

--Jack's workplace looks like the set of a Kafka-esque nightmare.

--The island jungle scenes look as if they were shot in someone's backyard, or the oversize potted plant section of an Office Max. (Welcome to drunk, HD viewers.)

--Juliet makes her default wide-eyed, perma-smirk face.

--Daniel Farraday does something from the A Beautiful Mind eccentric genius playbook (rapidly writing equations; stuttering; muttering to himself; thumbing through his journals of crazy and having a eureka! moment; etc.)

Finish your drink whenever:

--Desmond looks like the cover of the International Male catalog. 

--John Locke's pre-island life is revealed to be even more profoundly depressing.

--Curious character sweat patterns emerge. (Apparently, Juliet's sternum overheats easily.)

--Ghost Charlie dramatically removes his ghost sunglasses.

--One drink per decibel modulation in Walt's voice.

Knock yourself out with a wine bottle whenever:

--Sun's twitchy father appears (trust me), or Sun makes this face:

pretty much anything having to to with Sun.

--Anyone around you debates the Others' use of  eyeliner.

--You start to realize that after 4 seasons' worth of  loose ends and unexplained phenomena, there's almost no way this show can have a completely satisfying conclusion.

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