A.V. Club Most Read

News Newswire Great Job, Internet!
TV Club All Reviews What's On Tonight
Video All Video A.V. Undercover A.V. Cocktail Club Film Club
Reviews All Reviews Film TV Music Books
Features All Features Newswire Coming Distractions
Sections Film Tv Music Food Comedy Books Games Aux
Our Company About Us Contact Advertise Privacy Policy Careers RSS
Onion Inc. Sites The Onion The A.V. Club ClickHole Onion Studios

Ready The Zoloft, There's Going To Be A 3-D Version Of Popeye

Naturally.

Until we can find a way to inject a movie directly into the spine like a cinematic epidural, every movie is going to unnecessarily be in 3-D. (And, unless it's a horror movie, all 3-D is unnecessary. Non-horror 3-D movies are usually like being trapped inside a holographic Lisa Frank sticker.) That's just the way it's going to be. It's probably all part of some covert sweetheart deal between 3-D glasses manufacturers and movie studios to discredit Smell-O-Vision. (Where is Jesse Ventura when you need him?)

The latest movie to go 3-D is the story of everyone's favorite incoherent, squinty, grotesquely-swollen-jawed sailor, Popeye.

Yes, Popeye:

Sony is bringing an all-CGI "Popeye" to the bigscreen, with the iconic sailor man's muscles set to pop in 3D.

The logline is being kept under wraps, but Popeye's love interest Olive Oyl, nemesis Bluto and adopted child Swee'Pea will be part of the adventure. Arad says the new version will cover the themes of friendship, love, greed and life, and focus on human strengths and human frailties. 

I'm pretty sure the logline is just, "Popeye bein' Popeye and stuff," but one thing's for sure: the stunning visuals of Popeye 3-D will thrust scores of Americans into downward spirals of depression (and give at least one CNN.com reporter a really great story idea). And who could blame them? After seeing the lush, vibrant greens of Popeye's spinach, the richly detailed world of Depression-era boardwalks and boats, and the grand, sweeping arc of Popeye's superhuman forearm as it lands a punch on Bluto's face, all in brain-scrambling 3-D, no one will want to return to the gray, everyday 3-D of the real world.