Wake up, sheeple! While you were busy freaking out over That One Character We All Totally Thought Would Be In This Week’s Episode But Wasn’t, Reddit was quietly exposing the biggest, most earth-shattering Game Of Thrones conspiracy theory of them all: What if Stannis Baratheon was not only the One True King of Westeros, but also a praying mantis? Like, a literal giant insect in disguise?
The “facts” would indicate that the r/StannisTheMantis subreddit is a spinoff of the “Stannis The Mannis” meme, which celebrates the middle Baratheon for his stoicism, gravitas, and being an all-around badass. But that’s exactly the type of simple, wordplay-based explanation THEY would want you to believe. Consider instead these unprovable, and therefore incontrovertible, theories:
- Stannis has never been injured in battle because his exoskeleton protects him from injury. His preferred strategy of ambushing his enemies is also very insect-like.
- Stannis does not have a Kingsguard because the constant surveillance would prevent him from morphing into his true mantis form.
- Stannis’ lack of sexual interest in his wife is not due to the infernal sorcery of the Red Priestess, but because he doesn’t want her to bite his head off afterwards.
- His daughter Shireen’s “greyscale” is actually just cover for mutations caused by her hybrid human/mantis DNA. She was also born in spring, “when insects swarm.”
- Stannis has a habit of grinding his teeth because he’s trying to conceal the fact that he’s munching on winged insects all the time.
Sure, it sounds crazy. But every good conspiracy theorist knows that “evidence” and “proof” are nothing but Illuminati smoke screens designed to keep the people from waking up to the true reptilian shape-shifting nature of their government overlords. Right, David Icke?
Submit your Great Job, Internet tips here.