As drinking the blood of cancer victims would be gauche, Republican lawmakers are preparing to celebrate the House’s narrow passing of their new, Affordable Care Act-gutting bill by quaffing a few ice-cold Bud Lights out in the Rose Garden. “Cases upon cases” of Bud Light—a thin, watery gruel that presents itself as a better, more patriotic version of something you actually prefer, but really just leaves you feeling like shit—were spotted being rolled into the Capitol this afternoon, moments before the bill passed at 217-213.
The bill, which ends numerous Obamacare mandates such as guaranteed protection for people with pre-existing conditions, now moves to the Senate, where it’s less certain to garner the same support. But hey, it’s Bud Light time! Try the new signature “Coco-Nut-Rita” flavor, unless you’re one of the 24 million Americans whose wellbeing is now in jeopardy thanks to today’s legislation, in which case maybe stick to water and jumping jacks and also don’t get cancer.
For Speaker Paul Ryan, today’s celebration offers a sort of poetic bookend to his college days, when he was just another beer-chugging frat boy, standing around a keg, shooting the shit with his bros about stripping Medicaid coverage from the sick and indigent. No doubt all those fond memories of his youth and his Randian hatred for the poor will come flooding back as soon as that first shitty Bud Light hits the back of his throat.
Congratulations, Paul Ryan! You managed to realize your adolescent dream of becoming a dignified public servant, who today bravely marshaled his forces to destroy the lives of our nation’s most vulnerable by playing them the Rocky theme song and George S. Patton quotes, then taking them on a party bus to a kegger at the White House. Pound another one, dude, you’ve truly distinguished yourself today. Many will remember you, provided they aren’t seniors who depend on the Medicaid program to treat their dementia.
Anyway, Bud Light has thus far been silent on the matter, perhaps not wanting to remind everyone about that time it accidentally sort-of endorsed date rape in connection to a bill that just made sexual assault a “preexisting condition.”
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